Saturday, June 23, 2007

Funny in a Dark Place

It's easy enough to fall
Bad reputation will have to do
Live my life, it might get rough
It doesn't matter at all
Until it happens to you
But haven't I lost enough?

Not hurt, just lost my smile
I don't quite know where I put it
It's been missing for a little while
Learning to live without it

Gotta find funny in a dark place

It's easy enough to speak
When I am afraid to see
In the midst of all my crimes
That deep inside I am weak
I can never pay my fee
Maybe I've just lost my mind?

Don't stand and applaud for me
Just because a tear streaks down my face
Oh Lord, please help me see
Your reward at the end of this race

And let me find funny in a dark place

Look up to see a blue moon
With it's light shining on me
Beating me down like the sun
Hum myself a little tune
Respect makes me take a knee
And decide that I am not done

Be strong for a little while
Kneeling in the dew and frost
Keep on looking for that smile
The world's not over because I am lost

Grasp hold of the funny in a dark place

Friday, June 08, 2007

“Before Vaudeville Dies, comedian Julius McGowen needs to get a life!”

Las Vegas' own Talented Talent Brothers return to the NYC stage in the World Premiere Production of The Broken Jump as an official selection of the Midtown International Theatre Festival. Performances July 21st through August 5th at Where Eagles Dare Theatre, 347 West 36th Street, NYC. General admission tickets are priced at $18 and are currently available at Smarttix.com.

After successful off-off Broadway runs of the zany comedies Abnormal Stew (2005) and Weasel Erotica (2006), playwright and eldest sibling King Talent has created something of a departure for the group, a comedic drama … with songs … set in a vaudeville theatre in 1918.

The Broken Jump

“Julius McGowen is a small-time vaudeville comic who has spent twenty years pursuing his dream of making the big-time and playing the Palace. He arrives in Grand Rapids, Michigan at the end of a broken jump (a "split week," as it were) not to find a stepping stone to success, but rather that a child performer has taken his headlining slot, a long lost love struggling to be re-ignited, a politician trying to make a name for himself by any means necessary and an epidemic outbreak of the Spanish influenza. Shaken to his core by these events, he must decide whether it's better to dream a dream he's always had or to live one he never knew existed.”

The Broken Jump features The Talented Talent Brothers (King Talent, Melissa Jo Talent, Matt "Mo" Talent and Tony King) along with Jack Boice, Dan Hernandez, Greg Homison and Caitlin Mehner. Direction by J.B. Lawrence, Musical Direction by Rebecca Sponseller and choreography by Naomi Austin.

About The Talented Talent Brothers

The Talent Brothers are sibling entertainers who originally hail from Las Vegas but have spent way too much time all over the United States. King Talent, the oldest, is an actor, writer and stand-up. Matt "Mo" Talent is an actor with years of stage experience on both coasts. Melissa Jo Talent, the youngest, is an actress and director. Tony King...boy, can he act. And dance? Hoo, let me tell ya...

Meet the Cast

Greg Homison (Senator Irving Drew) has recently returned to acting after a substantial intermission. He has recently appeared as Leonard in the White Horse Theatre Company’s production of Tennessee Williams’ In the Bar of a Tokyo Hotel and at the Emerging Artists Theatre as part of their short play festival, Fall EATfest 2006. This will be his third stage appearance since his return. He is very pleased to have the opportunity to work with Baby Hippopotamus Productions and to participate in the Midtown International Theatre Festival.

Dan HernĂ¡ndez (Mr Klein) is thrilled to be a part of The Broken Jump and the Midtown International Theatre Festival. A recent graduate of Brown University, Dan's recent credits include the TSI/Playtime series show Sweetheart, Kryptonite Hearts at Theater for the New City, and Dan's solo show The Macho Society of America. In addition to acting, Dan writes screenplays, drama, fiction, and has even been known to dabble in (bad) poetry when "the mood is right." Dan thanks everyone in the cast and crew for their support.

Jack Boice (Desmond Donagal) feels honored and privileged to be joining the Baby Hippopotamus for the first time. He can’t even find the words to express how pleased he is to be a part of The Broken Jump and to work with such talented actors. Jack most recently played Judas in The Passion Play. He is also an accomplished guitarist who can be found playing all over New York. And if there are any of you out there that enjoy singing…He also hosts Karaoke nights in many New York City bars. If one would like to get in touch to find out where these events are being held please email jackboice@hotmail.com . He would like to thank God for the gifts he gave him, He would like to thank his Mother and Father for their continued love and support. He would like to thank Shannon Keyes for her love and patience. He would also like to thank King Talent for thinking of him for this project. Jack hopes that everyone that sees this play will love it, laugh and cry just as he did the first time he read it.

Caitlin Mehner (Christina Bell) is thrilled to be part of The Broken Jump. A recent graduate of Brown University, Caitlin was recently in the short film “Suburban Bravery” which was shown in theaters nationwide (produced by Upright Citizens Brigade and Screenvision) and the Off-Broadway show Stairway to Hell. Other favorite roles include “Roxie” in Chicago, “Cassandra” in Agamemnon, and “Cecily” in The Importance of Being Earnest. Caitlin also works as a choreographer, movement coach/consultant, and fight choreography. Thanks to my family and friends for their love and support!

Matt 'Mo' Talent (Jack Ruby) has been performing since childhood, but actually began to study acting in 1992, first with the De Anza Shakespeare Ensemble where he portrayed Hamlet/Polonius (Hamlet), Baptista (Taming of the Shrew), Friar Lawrence/Peter (Romeo & Juliet) along with studying fencing. He then went to study at the Foothill Theatre Conservatory where he played George Gibbs in Our Town . He has worked with Comedy & Tragedy Inc where he played the role of Watson (Death by Writers Block) and wrote/directed/performed in a one-act (why do we do it?). Before moving the NYC he worked with City Lights Theatre Company in And to All a Good Night, The Eight Reindeer Monologues and Cosi. He has also worked with Northside Theatre Company in such plays as A Midsummer Night’s Dream, The Maderatti and Holiday. With the family he has appeared in Abnormal Stew and Weasel Erotica.

Tony King (Milton Kean) has always felt honored to be included in the Talented Talent Brothers' group. He hails from Rock Hill, South Carolina and came to New York in 1999 to study acting at the American Musical and Dramatic Academy. Mr. King has starred Off-Broadway as Milton Derby in Mother Tongue and Andrew in Grease Pan Alley. Some Off-Off Broadway credits include Tom Wingvalley in Christopher Durang's For Whom The Southern Bell Tolls and Buck in Betty's Summer Vacation. Touring for a year with Chamber Theatre, Tony had the pleasure of playing such roles as the narrator in an adaptation of Poe's The Tell-Tale Heart and Jim Smiley in The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Caleveras County. He appeared last fall in our production of Weasel Erotica as well. Tony thanks those women that he loves for their support (Mom, Grandm, Colleen [love you baby! {she's my little sugar pie}]).

Melissa Jo Talent (Natalie Bell) is living proof that the kid sister can find a position where she can boss her big brothers around. A director and actor, she has directed the family in last year's production of Weasel Erotica and has appeared with family members in productions of Abnormal Stew, Love's Labour's Lost and Hamlet. Melissa has also performed at Rutgers; Twelfth Night as Feste, Margaret in London Theatre Academy's production of Henry VI, Part 2 and Beatrice in Cabaret's Much Ado. Thanks to King and Mo for this great opportunity to do something besides Shakespeare, the cast, Elli and the folks. Oh, and of course the little lord Jesus.

King Talent (Julius McGowen) has had one of the most non-traditional careers a performer could possibly have. He spent the first several years of his career living out of a beat up 1988 Nissan Sentra while travelling the United States staging everything from improvisational comedy shows to Shakespeare. His introduction to comedy came in the early '90s as a performer and emcee with Naked Comedy in Las Vegas. Later he would form his own theatrical company and continue to stage plays throughout the Southwest while also writing and directing TV commercials for McAlister Television. While in North Carolina in 1999 he wrote, directed and was featured as Groucho Marx in the revue Why a Duck? In 2004 he formed Baby Hippopotamus Productions and has since written and performed in our productions of She Said Maybe, Abnormal Stew and Weasel Erotica. While developing his own one-man show, King discovered the world of stand-up comedy and, being one to never shy away from a challenge, began to venture away from the world of independent theatre and deep into the world of the comic. He has two children, Derek and Ty, who mean the world to him and are the source of his smile. It's all about the Baby Hippopotamus!

Monday, May 14, 2007

Where Did All That Drama Go?

So, if you've read the blog recently, you know all about the threats of legal action taken against me and such. You'll also notice that all previous references to that nonsense has been removed. Sometimes it takes a while for things to sit in with me, but eventually I will come around to being the bigger man. The following is my email response, and the only mention of that ridiculousness that will appear on this blog ... I hope:

From: King Talent [kingtalent@babyhippopotamus.com]
Sent: Tuesday, May 15, 2007 12:16 AM
To: 'jillynmck@aol.com'
Cc: 'andyacting@yahoo.com'
Subject: RE: Final chance to avoid legal action...

… and lovely to hear from you as well …

The videos in question (Remembering Abnormal Stew & Monkeypiece Theatre) have been removed from my public YouTube profile and will remain private. Although I have to admit to at first resenting the idea that you would want them removed I have done so, not in response to your threat(s), but simply to avoid the drama that was certain to follow.

Photographs from the stage production of Abnormal Stew continue to appear on our website as a historical record of the work we’ve done. I will endeavor to have those removed as well … which is unfortunate, because I am proud of the work we did with that production. Additionally, on a personal note, I made two very close and dear friends in Laz and Giselle in that show.

Because I continue to think fondly of both you and Andy, I do, however, feel it wise to give you this small piece of advice: please be weary about continuing to burn your bridges. You’re better than that. Lord knows this is the pot calling the kettle black … I’ve burned more than a few bridges in my day … and frankly I’m ashamed to have done so. In fact, I am ashamed to have even been bothered by your request. I’m better than that too. Much better. Your “request” and my initial response was a nice reminder that I, too, am far from perfect.

On a side note … is this why Hudson Shakespeare hasn’t updated their site in two years? If so, I would advise you to make peace with Luther and Ciccy, at least in-so-far as allowing them to publish pictures of your performances on their website. You did lovely work with them that you should be proud of and should celebrate.

Finally, the most disheartening thing about all of this is your tone. Had you simply called and said, “Hey King, would ya mind taking down those silly videos with me in the Sock Monkey outfit?” I would have done so in a heartbeat. Our relationship, whether personal or professional, was never formal. It would’ve been a great opportunity to catch up, see what one another is up to (heck Andy, I’m sitting on a killer part at the Midtown International Theatre Festival that you would steal the show with) and move forward from a better place.

I hope that you are well, healthy and happy. As always, you have my best wishes.

Sincerely,
~King

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: jillynmck@aol.com
Sent: Sunday, May 13, 2007 10:11 PM
To: kingtalent@babyhippopotamus.com
Subject: Final chance to avoid legal action...

To: Mr. Richard Warren aka King Talent
From: Jillyn M. McKittrick and Andrew G. Jacobs
Re: Our likenesses on your website

This is the third request we have sent you. The first was sent via email on April 4, 2007 the second on April 17, 2007. This is your final chance to avoid legal action!

We are once again writing to ask that you remove our images from your personal page on the website www.youtube.com. Although we both gave you verbal consent to use our images during the run of the show, Abnormal Stew, for promotional and performance purposes – we never gave permission for continued use of those images. No verbal or written agreements currently exist between us and therefore we would both demand that you remove our images from your website and refrain from using our likenesses for any reason in the future.

We are aware that our images are used in your videos titled “Remembering Abnormal Stew” and “Monkeypiece Theatre.” If our likenesses appear in any other pictures or videos on this or any other website you control that we are unaware of, our request is applicable to them as well.

This letter is being sent via email on May 13, 2007 and I have left a message on your phone informing you of this letter. We expect removal of our images or other suitable response to this request no later than May 27, 2007. Should you fail to comply, you will hear from our lawyer in early June.

We expect you attend to this matter immediately.

Jillyn McKittrick and Andrew G. Jacobs

Saturday, May 05, 2007

For Those About to Rock

The Broken Jump Update

Yes, it is official … The Talented Talent Brothers return to the NYC stage as part of the Midtown International Theatre Festival on July 15-Aug 5. Tickets go on sale very, very soon! Keep checking Baby Hippopotamus Online for dates, info on the show and how to get your tickets.

Had a meeting with JB the other day to get the ball rolling on everything. Gotta get auditions scheduled for a few parts and get this puppy into rehearsal. I imagine that it's gonna be a busy summer for the big, bad Daddy Hippopotamus ... what with The Broken Jump finally taking off, making some real strides as a stand-up (you can check out a couple of pics at my MySpace site) and promoting other events. Ah well ... I can always sleep in the fall.

The ride is about to begin again.

ZZ Top and Heart

So I’m surfin’ the ‘Net the other day and find out that a couple of my favorite bands are being honored at the VH1 Rock Honors this year – ZZ Top and Heart. Last year two of my other favorites were also honored, Queen and Kiss. Be sure to check it out May 24th.

Now being a card-carrying Texan, y’know I gotta love ZZ Top. In fact, one of my favorite concert experiences was catching the bearded ones at the Lubbock Municipal Coliseum way back during the Eliminator tour. That was the concert where I saw the biggest doobie ever rolled in the history of man.

If I had to admit to having a celebrity crush, it would be on Ann and Nancy Wilson. I had always been a Heart fan, but fell in love with the ladies during the Heart / Bad Animals era. All those videos were so great … “These Dreams,” “What About Love,” “Nothin’ At All,” “Alone” … all satin, lace and hairspray. Sexy! Sure, in retrospect you can see how they tried to hide Ann’s weight and made Nancy the sex-pot … but, hell, I was a teenager. All I knew was that they were remarkably talented and if I got a glimpse of Nancy’s cleavage here and there, all the better.

And speaking of Kiss …

I grew up with Kiss. If you read this blog, you know I still love ‘em. If you check me out on MySpace, you’ll see that Paul Stanley, Gene Simmons’ Family Jewels and Peter Criss are all on my friends list. I love the music, I love the energy. “Shout It Out Loud” is playing in my house this very moment. They are the greatest show in rock-n-roll!

As a kid, Peter was my favorite. Part of that was because he was a cat, part of that was because he played the drums. When he left the band, I was one of the few to buy his first solo album, Out of Control. Man does it sound dated now, but I wore that vinyl out back in the day.

In the ‘90’s he released an album, Criss Cat #1, with his new band. It’s one of my favorite CDs to this day. And now there’s word that he’s actually going to release a new album within months … here’s the official press release:

Rock Legend PETER CRISS To Release New Solo CD "One For All" Worldwide July 24 On Silvercat Records Via Sony/Red Distribution From: Silvercat Records

PETER CRISS, founding member and drummer of iconic rock group KISS, will release his new solo CD entitled ONE FOR ALL July 24 on Silvercat Records, distributed by Sony/Red. The CD will be distributed day-and-date to fans across the globe.

An autobiographical collection of songs that Criss produced and recorded over the course of two years, ONE FOR ALL also includes several cover tunes that reflect his outlook on life at this point in his long-standing career.

The lead vocalist and co-writer of what to this day remains KISS’ biggest Billboard hit, Beth, which also went on to win a People’s Choice Award, Criss goes back to his songwriting roots with this new CD. Says Criss: "The most important thing is that my fans and other people will get a whole new outlook on me with this CD. I’m reinventing myself at my own pace, and for me, it’s now, more than ever, about being true."

ONE FOR ALL is the first fully self-produced CD that Criss has recorded -- in addition to arranging and writing the lyrics and melodies for most of the material on the CD.

Joined by longtime friends and acclaimed musicians – Grammy award-winning bandleader Paul Shaffer and bassist Will Lee, as well as guitarist Mike McLaughlin -- ONE FOR ALL is a variously styled project, profoundly rich in ballads that touches on all aspects of Criss’ life, and draws on his love of rock and R&B. The title track, recorded with the Church of Transfiguration Boys Choir, was written in the wake of 9/11 and sets the tone for the CD. Other songs include: Doesn’t Get Better Than This, Last Night, Faces in the Crowd, Heart Behind the Hands, Send in The Clowns, and even a tribute song to his longtime bandmate and friend ACE FREHLEY titled Space Ace.

Finally ... some random update-y stuff:

These are just short factoids to answer a few of the questions you might have ...

1) No, I have not received any legal notice from the attention grabbing, threatening email writing folks yet. I kinda hope I do ... but only when I'm feeling petty.

2) Yes, I am still hitting the gym, but not as often as I would like to. And I'm a little upset at myself over that. I'll have to step it back up to keep the energy level I'm gonna need this summer.

3) I'm not blowing smoke up your ass when I say that I honestly have learned more about performing by working as a stand-up than I have over the last ten years of doing plays.

4) I thought the Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie rocked! "Your money is now our money and we will spend it on drugs!"

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

She Has Left Us "Alone"

I am so very saddened to read today about the passing of Kitty Carlisle Hart:

Kitty Carlisle Hart, whose long career spanned Broadway, opera, television and film, including the classic Marx Brothers movie "A Night at the Opera," has died at age 96, her son said Wednesday.

Christopher Hart said his mother had been in and out of the hospital since contracting pneumonia over the Christmas holidays.

"She passed away peacefully" at home, said Hart. "She had such a wonderful life, and a great long run, it was a blessing."

Hart had appeared for years on the popular game show "To Tell the Truth" as a celebrity panelist.

The entertainer was also a tireless advocate for the arts, serving 20 years on the New York State Council on the Arts. In 1991, she received the National Medal of Arts from the first President Bush.

Well known for her starring role as Rosa Castaldi in the 1935 movie "A Night at the Opera," her other film credits included: "She Loves Me Not" and "Here Is My Heart," both opposite Bing Crosby; Woody Allen's "Radio Days"; and "Six Degrees of Separation."

She began her acting career on Broadway in "Champagne Sec," and went on to appear in many other Broadway productions, including the 1984 revival of "On Your Toes."

She made her operatic debut at the Metropolitan Opera in 1967 in "Die Fledermaus," and created the role of Lucretia in the American premiere of Benjamin Britten's "Rape of Lucretia."

From 1956 to 1967, she appeared on the CBS prime-time game show "To Tell the Truth" with host Bud Collyer and fellow panelists such as Polly Bergen, Johnny Carson, Bill Cullen and Don Ameche. The show featured three contestants, all claiming to be the same person. The panelists asked them questions to determine which was telling the truth. (The popular show also had runs, sometimes including Carlisle, in daytime and in syndicated versions.)

Hart's late husband was the Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright Moss Hart, who wrote "You Can't Take It With You" and "The Man Who Came to Dinner" with George S. Kaufman and won a Tony for directing "My Fair Lady" on Broadway.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Future = Bright; Past = Get Over It

So I’ve been fighting an upper respiratory infection for the past several days and quite frankly have been just too tired (read: lazy) to update this blog. It’s weird that I’ve been in fairly solid health throughout a cold and bitter winter just to find myself in really bad shape come April. Ahhh … well.

So the theme to today’s entry will be how bright (at least in terms of creativity) things are looking and how proud I am of fellow performers and artists. Indeed, this is a good time to be part of the Baby Hippo family … as you can tell if you’ve paid a visit to the slightly re-vamped website. This theme can be contrasted with how some folks will make absolute imbeciles of themselves because they want attention. But first, let’s take a look at the bright side of life …

My Pals the Filmmakers

A little over a week ago my buddy JB finished work on his short film “Fatal Isolation.” After working for months on the project, shooting it and really more or less teaching himself to become a first-rate filmmaker he came over to borrow my computer and nifty editing software. The final product is pretty damn amazing … and you can check it out here.



Additionally, a film I shot way back in the summer of ’05 found distribution this month. It’s a serious accomplishment to complete, from script to finished product, a full-length film. So, my most heartfelt congratulations to Manny as well.

It’s good to acknowledge the accomplishments of others … and JB and Manny accomplished something that thousands of others have tried and failed.

King the Stand-Up

So last Friday (the 13th, no less) I made what I have to consider my stand-up debut. Yeah, sure, I’ve done a bit here and there, but for the first time I did something along the lines of a full set on the bill with some great comics. I walked out of Casa Spain (a great venue out past Dover, NJ) pumped and rejuvenated.

For the first time in my performing life (which, ironically, pretty much corresponds with my “life life”) I felt like I could seriously consider myself a comic.

Was it perfect? No. It was like starting all over again. I learned more in that 10 or 12 minutes than I had learned performing anything in the past decade or so. It was like a re-birth of sorts. A whole new playground has been opened up to me. And I couldn’t be more excited. Big thanks to Laz for the opportunity!

The Broken Jump

Newsflash! My latest play has been accepted as part of the Midtown International Theatre Festival in New York this coming July. Needless to say, it’s time for the return of the Talented Talent Brothers! More on this to follow …

... the remainder of this post was removed 5/15/07.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

San Fran and A Major Talent

Yeah, yeah … so I haven’t posted in a while. So sue me.

I Left Something or Another in San Francisco

So I went to the annual CfMC User’s Conference in San Francisco in March and I had forgotten just how much I really love that city. It has charm, character and is as expensive as Manhattan. The conference was the week before my birthday, so I stuck around for a while.

Y’see, the conference was over on the 16th and I sure didn’t want to fly out on St. Patty’s Day. I sure didn’t want to fly out the next day seeing as how I was turning 37 and all. So why leave?

Especially when Mel came out to play and we could spend some time enjoying the city and then heading up to Napa for a few days of wine tasting and exploring. Now, usually when Mel goes somewhere the rain follows. Since there was no rain, Mel did the next best thing and came down with a nasty little upper respiratory thing.

Regardless, much fun was had, much alcohol was consumed and much money was spent.

Now That’s A Show!

If you missed the lovely Miss Rebecca Sponseller at Vlada last Tuesday then you missed out on one heck of a fun show. Keep your eyes peeled … she’ll be back. She gives me way too much credit for helping her put the thing together. She brought her A-game to the stage and I had nothing to do with it … it was all S-P-O-N-S-E-L-L-E-R.

Keep checking babyhippopotamus.com for some exclusive video and pics from the performance … and for a major announcement regarding the new direction of Baby Hippopotamus Productions.

Also … major thanks to JB for coming out to film the gig, to David for lending his incredible talent and to our old Weasel friends for coming out to support our very own “Opera Girl.”

The remainder of this post was removed 5/15/2007.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Misconceptions I Have Had

As you go through life, especially childhood, you start to develop thoughts and ideas that are completely inaccurate. Words have different meanings that what you had first envisioned, the real lyrics to that song you like are completely different than what you thought … little pieces of your world shatter and crumble under the weight of the truth. Typically, none of these misconceptions are Earth-shattering, but they build up as you grow older leading you to doubt each and every little thing about your life, yourself and your world.

The following is a list of things I have discovered I had misconceptions about at some point in time in my life:

1) The ‘60s Batman series was meant to be funny. Who knew? As a kid (with a kid’s point-of-view) I always assumed that Batman was a serious superhero show, much like the Filmation cartoons. Sure, there might be a funny gag or one-liner here and there, but Batman was filled with exciting (if poorly executed) fight scenes. I always loved when Batman and Robin would work together (for example, Batman might swing Robin around so that Robin could karate kick the heck out of some henchman) and I was never distracted by Cesar Romero’s mustache under all that pancake. It wasn’t until I was well in my late teens before I realized the show was supposed to be campy and fun and wasn’t until I was well into my twenties that I got most of the humor.

2) The meaning or theme behind Jean-Paul Sartre’s No Exit is not, “Life’s a bitch and then you die.” And I’ve actually performed in a (really, really bad) production of the show. Y’see, I’m just not all that deep.

3) Russian race horses do not have urinary problems. Okay, so I bet you’re waiting for an explanation on this one. One saying I heard from my father time and time again was, “I have to piss like a rushin’ racehorse.” Obviously Dad was referring to a racehorse who was actually in a hurry, but in my mind I always pictured a Soviet horse with furry hat and all needing to pee. Rushin’, Russian … let’s call the whole thing off.

4) Wisdom does not come with age. Sorry folks, but as I get older I just don't see that wisdom creeping into my consciousness. The American Heritage Dictionary defines wisdom as: "The ability to discern or judge what is true, right, or lasting; insight. " As I approach my 37th birthday (quite literally just days away) I can honestly say that I am no better at discerning what is true or right any better than I was when I was 21. Maybe it'll all kick in when I reach 60 ... assuming I ever get to 60.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

How to Draw Attention to Yourself

Jump on the back of a complete stranger and ride him/her like a pony. Bonus points: Shout “Heigh-ho, Silver!” and spur ‘em just below the ribs. Even more bonus points: Shove a bridle in their face and feed them oats.

Tip attractive women on the streets like they were exotic dancers. Bonus points: Shove a couple of singles into their pants. Even more bonus points: Do it while holding the money in your teeth.

When a homeless person asks to bum a cigarette from you, take out your pack, open it and sling all of your cigarettes into the persons face while shouting, “Tobacco kills!” Bonus points: Once he has your cigarettes, offer him a light and then set him on fire.

Approach people on the street, handkerchief in hand, offering to let them blow their nose. If they refuse, blow your nose and give them the handkerchief to hold on to for safekeeping.

While walking an elderly lady across the street, get halfway into the intersection and then fake a grand mal seizure. Bonus points: Actually have a grand mal seizure.

Shovel sidewalks … in the middle of the summer. Demand to be paid.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

It's Amazing I'm Not a Puritan

Once again, my “hometown” (quotes mine, I just can’t fess up to being from there right now) embarrasses itself. This is making statewide news right now ...

(AP - 2/17/07 - LUBBOCK, TX) - Police arrested eight Chippendales dancers and three others during the first of three sold out performances Friday, accusing them of violating the city's adult entertainment ordinance.

Officers raided Jake's Sports Cafe about 30 minutes after the show started and the venue was closed. They arrested the venue's manager, the show's promoter and the dancers' manager along with the dancers in front of a disgruntled crowd of women.

Shortly after, several hundred women began chanting, "Bring them back, bring them back" and "the City Council sucks, the City Council sucks."

Authorities say the dancers violated a city ordinance which bars contact between entertainers and patrons. Lt. Greg Stevens of the Lubbock Police said the dancers were simulating sexual positions with audience members.

Jake's Sports Bar owner, Scott Stephenson, said his establishment did everything as planned to abide by the city ordinance.

"Comparatively, it's a classy production," said Greg Jackson, Jake's Sports Cafe booking agent, adding that Chippendale dancers do not take off all their clothes.

Stephenson said he feels the police were there to shut them down.

Police says they intend to get an arrest warrant for Stephenson.

~~~~~~~~

Pelvic action thrusts review into scrutiny
BY Beth Aaron, Lubbock Avalanche-Journal

Blowing on a woman's neck and thrusting a pelvis led to 11 arrests last weekend after police shut down a male review at Jake's Sports Cafe, said the bar's owner.

The dancers, their manager, a production manager and a manager of Jake's Sports Cafe were arrested during the first of three performances scheduled for Feb. 16.

Lubbock Police Lt. Greg Stevens declined to elaborate on what "simulation of a sexual act" caused police to shut down the dance performance, but said "they engaged in behavior that falls under the city code for sexually oriented businesses."

Scott Stephenson, one of Jake's owners, said one of the dancers blew on a woman's neck and thrusted his pelvis toward her.

"It's a provocative move, I agree," Stephenson said, "but it's not illegal."

Police intend to present their case to the district attorney's office, which was closed Monday for President's Day. The dancers and managers are accused of violating a state law that requires a permit for performing sexually oriented material, Police Chief Claude Jones said.

The Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission will review police records about the incident once they become available, Capt. Dan Cullers said.

If Jake's violated a city code, TABC can take administrative action against the establishment. Depending on the severity of the violation, Jake's could be issued a warning or up to 60 days suspension.

Michael Caprio, the Chippendales' spokesman, said this is the first time in 30 years any member of the male dance troupe has been arrested.

He said the company is considering filing a lawsuit against the city of Lubbock.

"At this point in time, no decision has been made, but we are evaluating the situation," Caprio said. "To have this happen is sort of confusing for all of us because we thought we were doing everything that we needed to do to our knowledge."

Stephenson also said the bar's owners are considering taking legal action against the city.

"We have to look at our options and what's right to do to take care of everyone," he said. "We were poised to have one of our best days ever, and they closed us down at seven. We have a lot of people that couldn't make their rent."

Still, Stephenson said he would rather work with the city to find a solution to his problem than end up in court.

Stephenson said patrons may start receiving refunds for Chippendales tickets on Wednesday. The bar sold more than $20,000 worth of tickets for three sold-out shows on Friday.

~~~~~~~~

I would like to draw your attention to something in the article above ... this is the first time in thirty years that a Chippendales dancer was arrested ... anywhere! Obviously Chippendales is making their first appearance in Lubbock, TX. Never mind the fact that I used to work in a BYOB tittie-bar in Lubbock years ago ... one where from time to time the women violated the law and got completely nude ... but the city didn't really care. In Lubbock, they turn the other way when it comes to women.

Jeez ... do you now realize why I have such a desire to move to Vegas? Look at where I grew up!

Friday, February 16, 2007

Thinly Veiled Messages

I honestly try not to be too much of a complainer. But as I’ve mentioned in this blog before, one of the real pains of working with a certain type of person is that you develop close and important relationships that come to an end simply because the relationship, regardless of how powerful it appeared to be, was only based on the work or that brief period of time. Next thing you know, you’re dropped like a hot potato and these folks move on to something else. (Notice I didn’t say “bigger and better?”)

I’ve never agreed with this mentality although, in all honesty, I’m probably just as guilty of it. I’m no better than anybody else. But it is frustrating in so far as you start to realize that your circle of friends is primarily based on what project you’re currently working on. As somebody who works on few projects because I spend time developing my own (and therefore go through fairly solitary periods of time), I find myself not necessarily lonely, but perhaps jealous of others who constantly have a large group of people vying for their attentions.

Remember high school? Everybody … and I do mean everybody … had their own little clique or niche that they fell into. Some people carry those friendships through the rest of their lives. That just wasn’t my style. Not that I didn’t care for those folks … just that our lives were going in vastly different directions.

Having spent a little time thinking about people who I genuinely care about but don’t really have contact with, I decided that I would write little thoughts and messages to them. Since many have certainly expressed disinterest in hearing from me, I figured I would just post them here to be read (and wondered about) by everybody. I have thinly (and I do mean thinly) disguised names to protect the innocent, the guilty and the few pains-in-the-ass.

A lot of these messages are a bit indignant … I apologize for that, but I’m just in an indignant mood today:

To Mattress Store Partner: I hope your decisions, which I completely respect and appreciate although I simply cannot agree with, have made you confident about your future. But could it ever be as intense and passionate as you imagined it would be? Have you read the Catholicism yet? You deserve respect and attention … I hope you’re getting it … but you know as well as I do that the flash and spark in your eyes isn’t what it could be.

To Deck The Halls: I still love ya, babe. You’re easily one of the two or three coolest people I’ve ever met (and I’ve met Willie Nelson, Buddhist monks, Derek Jacobi and David Lee Roth). You just got it wrong, that’s all.

To Dramatica: Wow … you sure know how to make a guy feel important, huh? It’s a shame that honesty wasn’t your strong suit. Caught me off guard ... what with you meaning the world to me and all ... it should've been amazing. I just never knew what was happening the other half of the time, huh?

To The Original Three: Guys, you’re missing out on something big. In life you can choose to either be a part of something great or to get lazy and watch greatness pass you by. Trust me, I’ve done the latter … it’s time to focus on the former. While you guys are off in the back laughin’ and jokin’, my ass is out front just a-cookin’ and a-smokin’!

To The Big O #1: You know, I never minded that other people thought you were bat-shit crazy. Didn’t even mind the fact that you are the epitome of a drama queen (I have a long and lovely history with drama queens). What surprised me was how self-centered you are … how’s that working out for you? Turn your back on anybody else recently? Give ‘em hell at the library.

To The Big O #2: And people bitch about Big O #1 being a drama queen.

To Caliban: Do you spread lies about everybody or is it just me? Makes me think that beyond being incompetent, you’re just intimidated …

To The Token: … and your ass had better be intimidated. You never were and never will be in my league, so clam the hell up.

To Chiki: One of these days you’ll get out of the habit of sabotaging your own life … just don’t expect anybody to still be around to congratulate you.

To The Electric Company: Thanks for blowing me off. To this day I don’t know why my hopes were so high.

To Bacchus: Speaking of blowing people off … did I become a leper or something? Or are you just not allowed to hang with folks with strong personalities? And since when did I develop such a strong personality?

Now let the debate begin … “Who is he talking about here? Is that me? That son-of-a …” … and if a message wasn’t directed towards you, it probably means that you are actively a part of my life and for that I offer my most sincere thanks. Those few … “those happy few” … are greatly cherished.

Friday, February 09, 2007

Sometimes I Hate My Neighborhood

Sometimes I hate where I live -- no real selection when it comes to stores, the bus that used to be less than a block away is now six blocks away, English is a foreign language, etc ... and then this morning there was this ....

Water Valve Break Prompts N.J. Evacuations
Boil Water Advisory Issued For Hudson County

(CBS/AP) WEST NEW YORK, N.J. Emergency crews used rafts to evacuate some people whose basements flooded because of a broken water valve Friday. And the break later prompted officials to issue a boil water advisory for portions of Hudson County.

It appeared the eight-inch valve broke beneath Bergenline Avenue and 51st Street around 5:00 a.m, United Water spokesman Rich Henning said. The valve was connected to a 24-inch main and water poured onto the street and down a hill.

Customers in West New York, Guttenberg and parts of Union City might have no water, low water pressure or discolored water, Henning said. Residents in those areas were advised to boil their water for at least one minute before drinking or other uses.

Specifically, the boil water advisory was in effect for customers residing from 61st Street in West New York south to the Jersey City border and from the Boulevard east to Kennedy Boulevard.

Crews were still working to repair the valve at midday Friday.

Monday, February 05, 2007

An Early Read on Super Bowl Sunday

So last night a few folks came over and we did a first read of the current draft of my latest play The Broken Jump. I am happy to report that, overall, I am quite happy with it. Sure, it needs some ham fat trimmed off here and there and there are a few places where the dialogue gets pretty clunky … but overall I thought that it read well. I’ll be doing the first round of re-writes this week before submitting the show to the Fringe Festival and the Midtown International Theatre Festival for production later this year. If not accepted to either (which is likely in this theatrically political environment) then we’ll simply produce the show for a nice long run later in the year.

Much thanks to Mel, Tony, Jeremy, Jess and Rebecca for swinging by and reading the show with me before enjoying the Super Bowl. In unrelated news, I have lots of leftover chow (yet no beer) to keep me eating unhealthily for the next couple of weeks.

Looks like The Talented Talent Brothers are inching closer to our ’07 stage return … and this time in a vehicle vastly different from anything we’ve done before.

It’s Too Damn Cold

Yeah, I know … nobody reads a blog to get an update on the weather. It’s like mindless small-talk being posted on the Internet. But it’s too damn cold to think of much of anything else. This is being written mid-day with a wind chill in NYC of two below. Is it any wonder that I’m getting tired of New York and am seriously considering a move to Vegas? According to weather.com it is currently a brisk 62 degrees in Sin City.

If it is as cold tomorrow morning as it was today – then you can bet dollars to doughnuts that I’ll be working from home … my pale desert skin just can’t adapt to a real arctic blast.

Random Things I’ve Noticed This Week

1) Snickers Ice Cream sandwiches are awesome – even in the dead of winter.

2) People, particularly people in Boston, who think LED advertising with Aqua Teen Hunger Force's mooninite Ignignokt flipping the bird are actually bombs are pure and unadulterated idiots. The district attorney in Boston is the chief idiot, however. Figures … Boston politician … can’t be too damn bright.

3) The Super Bowl commercials this year left a lot to be desired. Prince’s half-time show, tho, was pretty hot.

4) Spiderman 3, Fantastic Four 2 and Ghost Rider all come out within the next few months – Marvel’s gotta be excited ‘cause I know the superhero geek inside of me damn sure is.

5) I’m headed back to San Francisco in March and I couldn’t be more excited. Three years ago I was in SF and it was a great time.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Why a Duck? 'Cause They're Cool

It just goes to show, you can't keep a good duck down:

TALLAHASSEE, Florida (AP) -- Perky is one tough bird.

The ring-neck duck survived being shot and spending two days in a hunter's refrigerator -- and now she's had a close brush with death on a veterinarian's operating table.

The one-pound female duck stopped breathing Saturday during surgery to repair gunshot damage to one wing, said Noni Beck of the Goose Creek Wildlife Sanctuary.

Veterinarian David Hale revived the bird after several tense moments by performing CPR.

"I started crying, 'She's alive!"' Beck said.

Perky entered the headlines last week after a hunter's wife opened her refrigerator door and the should've-been-dead duck lifted its head and looked at her. The bird had been in the fridge for two days since being shot and presumed killed January 15.

Perky is recovering with a pin installed in the fractured wing, and probably will not have more surgery because of her sensitivity to anesthesia, Hale said.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Why is it that ... ?

… the best sleep I get at night is the nine minutes between hitting the snooze button and the alarm going off again?

… I make more money than I ever have in my life, yet I’m just as broke as I’ve ever been?

… at nearly thirty-seven years of age, I still like to check out the super hero action figure aisle at Toys R Us?

… I constantly forget to charge my cell phone?

… boxing is so damn hard of a sport?

… I have never had a 9-to-5 job where I could live life as one of those “leave work at work” kinda people?

… I spend every Saturday morning drinking nearly a pot of coffee and then spend the afternoon making all-too-frequent trips to the restroom?

… I have the most trouble writing the most basic scene in my latest play? I mean, really? It’s taking me forever.

… I get constant e-mails telling me about penis enlargement products? Who squealed?