Why a Duck? 'Cause They're Cool

It just goes to show, you can't keep a good duck down:

TALLAHASSEE, Florida (AP) -- Perky is one tough bird.

The ring-neck duck survived being shot and spending two days in a hunter's refrigerator -- and now she's had a close brush with death on a veterinarian's operating table.

The one-pound female duck stopped breathing Saturday during surgery to repair gunshot damage to one wing, said Noni Beck of the Goose Creek Wildlife Sanctuary.

Veterinarian David Hale revived the bird after several tense moments by performing CPR.

"I started crying, 'She's alive!"' Beck said.

Perky entered the headlines last week after a hunter's wife opened her refrigerator door and the should've-been-dead duck lifted its head and looked at her. The bird had been in the fridge for two days since being shot and presumed killed January 15.

Perky is recovering with a pin installed in the fractured wing, and probably will not have more surgery because of her sensitivity to anesthesia, Hale said.

Why is it that ... ?

… the best sleep I get at night is the nine minutes between hitting the snooze button and the alarm going off again?

… I make more money than I ever have in my life, yet I’m just as broke as I’ve ever been?

… at nearly thirty-seven years of age, I still like to check out the super hero action figure aisle at Toys R Us?

… I constantly forget to charge my cell phone?

… boxing is so damn hard of a sport?

… I have never had a 9-to-5 job where I could live life as one of those “leave work at work” kinda people?

… I spend every Saturday morning drinking nearly a pot of coffee and then spend the afternoon making all-too-frequent trips to the restroom?

… I have the most trouble writing the most basic scene in my latest play? I mean, really? It’s taking me forever.

… I get constant e-mails telling me about penis enlargement products? Who squealed?

Shoulda Been 40

Not to be too much of a downer, but today is a very depressing day for me. Today my brother would have been 40 years old. Folks who know me well would be able to tell you how important and what an influence he was on my life -- for good and bad. Even now, over five years since his passing, I find myself thinking of him and missing him each and every day. That's not some stupid exaggeration -- not a single day passes that I don't think of him. He was the one person who I could really talk to -- as children he was my confidant -- and the one person who I truly felt supported and was proud of my "artistic" endeavors.

He was the most natural musician who I've ever encountered. The man could play literally anything. Guitar, piano, cello ... name it. I remember vividly a cousin visiting us when we were children and bringing his slide trombone. Neither Chuck nor I had ever even seen a trombone in person. After spending five or ten minutes figuring out how to pucker and blow and make the darn thing make some noise, Chuck was playing Dixie Land jazz on the damn thing. Quite literally ten minutes elapsed from being first introduced to an instrument to being able to play it. To me that is nothing short of miraculous.

Just months before passing away he finished recording his first real demo. He did practically everything -- from turning his bedroom into a professional studio, to recording guitar tracks, bass tracks, and vocal tracks -- and churned out six songs that he was very proud of. Shopping those tracks around and playing the occasional gig here and there, it really looked like Chuck was finally going to "make it." He had, much like I, lived a hard life. More than a fair share of the troubles he experienced in his life were brought upon himself -- you may not be able to have much sympathy for that, but as someone who has done likewise, I can. And trust me, I never experienced the majority of the hardships and challenges he did.

You think my stories are something? Ha! You should hear his! I'm so minor league when it comes to "bizarre crap happening in my life" by comparison.

Those six songs are fixtures on my iPod. His photo hangs on my wall. He is the unseen driving force behind my so-called career as an actor and writer. He is the soul of my sense of humor ("I got you babe") and the brains behind much of my shtick. And dear Lord, I would trade it all in to have one evening drinking beer and shooting the breeze with my brother again.

Quotes, Unquotes and Quotes

Have you ever noticed how perfectly a quote from a famous person or historical figure can capture so exactly what you are thinking or feeling at any particular given point in time? The words of others, especially those of people we respect and admire, can inspire you. They can give you comfort that somebody else is feeling what you’re feeling. They can make you feel less alone in this great big world.

So, here for your quick consumption, are a few famous quotes that capture what I’ve been thinking, been feeling or been encountering over the past several days:

"How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live."
-- Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862)

"I was working on the proof of one of my poems all the morning, and took out a comma. In the afternoon I put it back again."
-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)

"Acting is the most minor of gifts and not a very high-class way to earn a living. After all, Shirley Temple could do it at the age of four."
-- Katharine Hepburn (1907 - 2003)

"The wine urges me on, the bewitching wine, which sets even a wise man to singing and to laughing gently and rouses him up to dance and brings forth words which were better unspoken."
-- Homer (800 BC - 700 BC)

"I drink too much. Other people learn things when I drink. Last night a limo driver learned if I say I’ve gotta yak, it doesn’t mean I have a long-haired buffalo living in my backyard."
-- Ron White (1956 - )

The End of an Animated Era

Within the past month, cartoon fanatics such as myself lost two very important and influential people. Please join me in paying respects to two cartoon legends:

Joseph Barbera

Joe Barbera, half of the Hanna-Barbera animation team that produced such beloved cartoon characters as Tom and Jerry, Yogi Bear and the Flintstones, died December 18. He was 95.

With his longtime partner, Bill Hanna, Barbera first found success creating the highly successful Tom and Jerry cartoons. The antics of the battling cat and mouse went on to win seven Academy Awards, more than any other series with the same characters.

The partners, who teamed up while working at MGM in the 1930s, then went on to a whole new realm of success in the 1960s with a witty series of animated TV comedies, including "The Flintstones," "The Jetsons," "Yogi Bear," "Scooby-Doo" and "Huckleberry Hound and Friends."

Their strengths melded perfectly, critic Leonard Maltin wrote in his book "Of Mice and Magic: A History of American Animated Cartoons." Barbera brought the comic gags and skilled drawing, while Hanna brought warmth and a keen sense of timing.

"This writing-directing team may hold a record for producing consistently superior cartoons using the same characters year after year — without a break or change in routine," Maltin wrote.

"From the Stone Age to the Space Age and from prime time to Saturday mornings, syndication and cable, the characters he created with his late partner, William Hanna, are not only animated superstars, but also a very beloved part of American pop culture. While he will be missed by his family and friends, Joe will live on through his work," Warner Bros. Chairman and CEO Barry Meyer said Monday.

Iwao Takamoto

Iwao Takamoto, the animator who created the cartoon canine Scooby-Doo as well as characters on such shows as "The Flintstones" and "The Jetsons," died Monday, January 8, after suffering a massive coronary, a spokesman said. He was 81.

Takamoto died at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles, where he was being treated for respiratory problems, said Gary Miereanu, a spokesman for Warner Bros. Animation.

Takamoto designed Scooby-Doo, his equally famished and cowardly master Shaggy, and their pals Velma, Daphne and Fred in the late 1960s while working at the Hanna-Barbera animation studio.

The Great Dane's name was inspired by an improvised line at the end of Frank Sinatra's "Strangers in the Night."

He also designed the snickering dog Muttley, who was featured in a number of productions, and Astro, the family dog on "The Jetsons." For "The Flintstones," he created the Great Gazoo, a green alien.

Takamoto's death comes exactly three weeks after that of Hanna-Barbera co-founder Joseph Barbera, who was 95; his business partner William Hanna died in 2001.

Takamoto, who was born in Los Angeles in 1925, spent part of World War II in an internment camp, where he received some informal illustration training from fellow Japanese-Americans.

After the war he got a job as an apprentice at Disney Studios, where he worked on such features as "Cinderella" and "Peter Pan." In 1961, he moved to Hanna-Barbera.

At the time of his death, Takamoto was a vice president at Warner Bros. Animation. He storyboarded the 2005 Tom and Jerry animation short "The Karateguard," and helped design many of the characters in the current series "Krypto the Superdog." He is survived by his wife, Barbara, and two children.

Influence

I grew up with Hanna-Barbera and Filmation cartoons. They influenced my childhood, my life and my sense of humor. To this day I am a Scooby Doo fanatic and can watch my favorite canine for hours on end. While I, like millions of others, will always have a great appreciation and admiration for Looney Tunes and the Warner Brothers work, for some reason Hanna-Barbera represented my generation.

Zoinks!

Carnival Game

It was a masquerade at Mardi Gras
That was the only trip that I recall
Everytime I turned around at all
There was you

Some days are easier said than done
Always expecting something's wrong
I'd rather live alone than drag this on

Take your time
Please lay your hands on me
Don't wanna be alone, oh no
A mask behind the face and then you're gone
Oh yeah -- comes a time when you're better off alone
You're on your own

I've got a kaleidoscope of memories
Visions of you locked up inside of me
Can't you see

We once collided like a broken wheel
So undecided what was real
Maybe a crash somehow has sex appeal
Whatever turns you on

Take your time
Please lay your hands on me
Don't wanna be alone, oh no
A mask behind a face and then you're gone
Oh yeah- comes a time when you're better off alone

One down, one to go
Oh no, playin' in a carnival
Your time is gone

One down, one to go
Oh no, playin' in a carnival
You're all alone

One down, one to go
Oh no, you're on your own

-- Rick Nielsen

Computers: Harbingers of Memories

Having returned to the office after well over a month away, I have spent a fair portion of the day cleaning things up and getting ready for the new year. Once the desk was satisfactorily straightened up (which isn’t saying much) I turned my attention to my PC and discovered many a memory.

First were a large number of draft scripts and press releases from previous shows. Some dating back a few years. Next I stumbled across a number of old pictures – some of friends, some of me with friends and at least three of people who I don’t know at all. And then … the email …

See, in mid-’06 I upgraded all the Microsoft software on my machine, including Outlook, to the 2003 release. However, prior to that I had always archived all of my e-mail – whether personal or professional – with the exception of all the junk mail that was deleted over the years. Starting fresh in ’07 I realized that I hadn’t archived anything since the upgrade. When I attempted to, it told me that my old .pst file was full – it was still archiving to the previous version’s file. So I went about creating a new (and much larger) 2003 version of the file, restored the entire archive (the old archive, that is) and then re-archived into the new, larger file I had just built.

Slowly on my screen began to appear all of these old emails from the past several years. Some from people I hadn’t talked to in … well, in several years. Half amused I began to occasionally open a few and read them … ah, memories.

I couldn’t help but stumble across a chain of emails from somebody who was once very special to me. Very special. The emails were sexy, suggestive and slightly salacious. Ah, nice emails they were. And as my mind flooded with memories of this lovely creature that was so briefly a remarkably important part of my life, I asked myself … why isn’t she still?

And thus we turn to a recurring theme of this blog … I hate actors. You’ve assumed by now that these emails of arousal were from an actress? Smart you. You’ve been paying attention.

So, what ended our brief liaison of witty and suggestive repartee? Why did this burgeoning relationship filled with desire and passion just snuff itself out? Why did this blossoming relationship just simply vanish? I wish I knew for certain. I was certainly smitten (yes, I said "smitten" -- get over it!) But it certainly appears that the cause of the demise of this flaming passion was … the show ended.

Humph! I hate actors.

All-Star Dead Guys Rock Band

We as a society are just in love with lists. Myself included. One of my favorite books as a kid was The Book of Lists. I just love putting a list together.

I bring this up only because I was asked one of those great bar questions a little while back. Of all the great musicians who have died, who would make the best rock band? Y'know, what guys are up in heaven just jammin' away? I debated some of the great musicians who I admire -- Joplin and Hendrix, for example -- but decided that I would post what I thought would make the best band. So, with YouTube links, here we go ...

Freddie Mercury, Vocals, Queen
September 5, 1946 – November 24, 1991



Randy Rhoads, Guitar, Ozzy Osbourne
December 6, 1956 – March 19, 1982



Cliff Burton, Bass, Metallica
February 10, 1962 – September 27, 1986



Eric Carr, Drums, Kiss
July 12, 1950 - November 24, 1991


What a sad day November 24, 1991 was ... both Freddie Mercury and Eric Carr passed away on that day.

So, there's my "All-Star Dead Guys Rock Band" -- would love to hear your opinions.

New Year’s Resolutions & Other Ramblings

Yet again proving that I am a fount of unoriginality, I’ve decided that today I would include a post about my New Year’s resolutions. Not that I’ve ever really been much of a resolutions kinda guy – making resolutions always seemed to be counter to my spontaneous “take it as it comes” nature. But perhaps by putting these goals and ideas in writing (and publishing on the ‘net for the world to see) I’ll have some added pressure to actually put some effort into them. Nothing terribly ground-breaking here, but here goes:

1. Pay better attention to my health, lose weight, eat better: yeah, yeah, I know these are the same resolutions half of the population is making, but I am genuinely disturbed about my health for the first time in 20 years. It’s time to start paying attention. Gym memberships should actually be used.

2. Become more financially responsible. Simply put, I’m tired of living paycheck to paycheck – especially since my own irresponsibility is the primary reason I find myself in that state.

3. Spend more time out and about. Granted, I’ve always been something of a homebody, but it’s ridiculous how little time I’ve spent in the past couple of years out having adventures. Last year I never actually had a trip to the beach, which is heresy in my mind. I’ve not made the most of the “New York experience” in my time here either. In ’07 I’ll make a point to enjoy the city and to also find time to get out and surf, rock climb, hike, ride and fish.

4. Allow my writing to become more personal. Whether that transfers to the hack writing I do in this blog, we’ll see. Regardless, I’ve let my creativity become less personal and more pedestrian – that has to stop.

5. Enjoy friends and loved ones more. Keep selfishness at bay.

Useless (Depressing?) Information About Sex

According to Tiresias, a prophet in Greek mythology, the woman gets nine times more pleasure than the man. Who gets the most pleasure out of sex--the man or the woman?

Scientifically speaking, your basic run-of-the-mill male and female orgasms are pretty similar. Kinsey, in particular, took pains to emphasize that "the anatomic structures which are most essential to sexual response and orgasm are nearly identical in the human female and male," and that "orgasm in the female matches orgasm of the male in every physiologic detail except for the fact that it occurs without ejaculation."

OK, now the bad news (for us guys, I mean). Masters and Johnson (1966), while conceding that male and female orgasm were usually pretty comparable, noted two important differences. The first is well known: women can have multiple orgasms without having to rest in between, as men do. This occurs in 10 to 15 percent of women regardless of age. Young men can have multiple orgasms within ten minutes or so, but this ability drops off sharply after age 30. Yup … sharply.

The second difference has been less publicized: women are capable of sustained orgasm, called status orgasmus. These orgasms may start with a 2-to-4-second "spastic contraction" and last 20 to 60 seconds all told--and if that isn't nine times the pleasure, it's definitely in the ballpark. Masters and Johnson published the chart for one woman who experienced a 43-second orgasm in which one can count at least 22 successive contractions.

Depressed? Hey, it gets worse. Status orgasmus is usually the result of self-stimulation, but a woman can also experience it at the hands (ahem … for example) of a suitably skilled lover.

Christmas in Sydney

Finally, for those of you who, like me, feel like you did at least one stupid thing this holiday season – rejoice! There’s at least one person in the world who made a bigger boo-boo:

BERLIN, Germany (Reuters) -- A 21-year-old German tourist who wanted to visit his girlfriend in the Australian metropolis Sydney landed 13,000 kilometers (8,077 miles) away near Sidney, Montana, after mistyping his destination on a flight booking Web site.

Dressed for the Australian summer in T-shirt and shorts, Tobi Gutt left Germany on Saturday for a four-week holiday.

Instead of arriving "down under", Gutt found himself on a different continent and bound for the chilly state of Montana.

"I did wonder but I didn't want to say anything," Gutt told the Bild newspaper. "I thought to myself, you can fly to Australia via the United States."

Gutt's airline ticket routed him via the U.S. city of Portland, Oregon, to Billings, Montana. Only as he was about to board a commuter flight to Sidney -- an oil town of about 5,000 people -- did he realize his mistake.

The hapless tourist, who had only a thin jacket to keep out the winter cold, spent three days in Billings airport before he was able to buy a new ticket to Australia with 600 euros in cash that his parents and friends sent over from Germany.

"I didn't notice the mistake as my son is usually good with computers," his mother, Sabine, told Reuters.