Product Placement

Those of you who have been (un)fortunate enough to spend time with me early in the morning know full well how poorly my fuzzy little brain functions in the pre-coffee moments of the day. The synapses are not quite firing on all cylinders. I’m sure that most folks are like this (at least, that’s what I tell myself) but I am probably a touch unique in that my mind takes its own scenic route to get to the point where I am capable of civilized behavior. Observations come streaming out of my mouth in the wee hours (remember, I live alone, so who the hell am I talking to?) and frequently take the shape of song. For example, just the other morning I sat on the couch putting on my socks while singing a rousing (i.e.: loud!) chorus of the old vaudeville standard “Absolutely Mr. Left Foot, Positively Mr. Right” … accompanied by a little footie-dance.

I have never really spent any of my morning hours writing (which may explain why I am such an unoriginal playwright) but have often thought that I really need something to chronicle my morning ridiculousness. Not that I think anybody would be in the slightest amused by it, but because it is a prime example of me entertaining myself (stop it … we’ll talk about that kind of “entertaining” in another blog entry one of these days) and would probably be a great lesson to would-be actors and/or schizophrenics.

In the midst of all this childlike drowsy behavior, I also find myself observing the most random things. This morning my observation was simply that I am a prime example of somebody with product loyalty. Back in the early ‘90s, when I worked in television, an advertising exec (who had been in the ad game for decades) told me that the most important thing in advertising was to create product loyalty – not to get customers to try a new product, but to strengthen the loyalty of folks who already used it. The theory was that one person with strong product loyalty would influence friends and loved ones to a degree that they would purchase, try and also become loyal to that product. Pretty forward thinking for an ad man, huh?

For example, he pointed out, a person who has driven a Chevy for the past eight years is 75% more likely to purchase a new Chevy instead of another make of car. Automobiles elicit the strongest product loyalty in the market place. He also pointed out that loyalty to a particular product can also create a genuine resentment towards that brand’s competitors … an obvious example being the Coke vs. Pepsi war. Have you ever seen somebody in a restaurant order a Coke only to greet the waitress’s response of, “Pepsi okay?” with scorn and a scowl? Of course you have … especially if you’ve gone out to eat with me.

This ad exec friend of mine also told me that you could learn a lot about a person by finding out what products he is loyal to … he never clarified exactly what it was you could learn, but he made it clear that you could learn something. So, here’s your chance to learn something about me – here are the brands and products that I discovered I am loyal to during this morning’s hazy hours:

Old Spice

I use it all … the aftershave, the shaving cream, the deodorant, the body wash … and frequently even the razor itself. Many people (especially women) have told me that Old Spice reminds them of their fathers … ah, that explains something dysfunctional about my relationships, huh? – and in fact, my father was also a user of the classic aftershave. Why do I use it? I like it. Its classic and its male. Too many aftershaves and deodorants out there smell too “perfume-y” for my taste … or too “rubbing alcohol with a hint of spice.” I’m not a big fan of fashionable or expensive colognes – I’m a simple guy who uses simple personal hygiene products.

Stubb’s

I spent many a youthful hour at Stubb’s Bar-B-Q in Lubbock, TX and when they started to release Mr. Stubblefield’s sauces, rubs, marinades and side dishes in my friendly neighborhood grocery … it was a happy, happy day. I cannot tell you how many fond memories I have to sitting at Stubb’s, listening to live blues music, wiping the bar-b-q sauce from my mouth and then diving into that fantastic cobbler with a scoop of ice cream. Now the restaurant in Lubbock is closed (the one in Austin is still going strong, I hear) and I live thousands of miles away … but I can still count on Stubb’s for my bar-b-q needs. Now I just need to find a place with a yard so I can grill!

Mountain Dew

This also goes back to my days in television. One of our producers guzzled Mountain Dew like it was water. At the time it had probably been ten years since I had even thought of drinking a Mountain Dew … at least back to the “it tickles your innards” advertising … but he swore by it and it’s caffeine levels. Caffeine! I love caffeine! And drinking coffee in the middle of the afternoon during a West Texas summer just didn’t make sense. So I began to grab a Mountain Dew in the afternoon. Then they started to come out with the spin-off products and I bought and tried them all: Code Red (not great), Pitch Black (okay), Livewire (the best orange soda in the history of man!) and even the Baja Blast that’s only available at Taco Bell (eh … I could take it or leave it). Now that’s a brand-name loyalty that’s been instilled into me … they come out with a new flavor and I try it … that’s good marketing. They’re even coming out with an energy drink … and you can bet I’ll wind up buying it at some point.

So what do these three products have to say about me? Let’s investigate, shall we? Mountain Dew is marketed to the ADHD set, the X-Games fan and the folks who like to jump snowboards off of cliffs. It’s high in caffeine and can make you jittery if you drink too much. My deduction is: overactive. Stubb’s is bar-b-q and if there is one truth about bar-b-q it is that you can’t enjoy it and be a dainty eater. It’s messy. You’re going to get sauce on your shirt and jeans. My deduction is: slovenly. Old Spice was always marketed to manly men who performed manly activities. There’s a tough, rugged fisherman on all the classic advertising and even the classic logo. My deduction is: heterosexual. Therefore, my products indicate that I am an overactive slovenly heterosexual. Hmmm.