Do We Have To?I never had any intention of this blog becoming an advice column or anything of the sort but supply and demand has dictated that advice gets given here. Why? I don’t know ... it’s not like I’m loaded with wisdom. But I am loaded with a history of mistakes made and wrong paths chosen. So, here’s some free advice:
How to Survive a Carjacking
The Bureau of Justice estimates that there are 34,000 instances of carjacking each and every year in the USA. Seventy-four percent of those carjackings take place with a weapon involved – 45% of which take place with a fire arm, 29% with a knife or other weapon. So there is a good chance, if you are driver (particularly in an urban area), you may be faced with a carjacking attempt. So, how can you insure your safety?
Step A. Keep your fuel tank filled. If a carjacker attempts to steal your car and it is completely out of gas, there is a very good chance that they are not going to be successful. Unless their
weapon of choice is a gallon or so of gasoline, then it’s just not gonna pay off for them. But the point here is that you want them to be successful. Give up the car, man. Unless it’s a really, really nice ride there’s no need for you to lose your life over a car. Granted, I once owned a really sharp ‘60 El Camino with a 350 two-barrel that was sweet ... luckily that wasn’t the car I was driving when I was carjacked, otherwise I may not have learned this valuable lesson. So keep the tank filled ... that way they will just hop in and take off.If a carjacker yanks you out of the car and isn’t able to get the thing started ... well, it might just piss him off. Now that he’s good and pissed off he may choose to change professions from a carjacker to a full-fledged assault specialist. If he decides to then thrust a lock-back bladed knife into your back then you really are at a loss. Not only are you losing blood, but you can’t even drive yourself to the emergency room. There will be nothing left to do but lay there and bleed. And trust me, that sucks.
Step B. Have your car serviced regularly. Again, you want to make sure that a potential carjacker has the chance to actually make his getaway. If your car malfunctions shortly after being stolen, then again the perpetrator may get royally pissed, come find you by the side of the road and cause you harm. So change that oil every 15,000 miles and check the air pressure in your tires regularly.
Step C. Run like the little bitch that you are. Yup ... that’s pretty self-explanatory. Give ‘em the car and get the hell out of Dodge.
How to Survive Peer Pressure
Everybody deals with peer pressure in life. Certainly more so when we are adolescents, but even full grown, tax paying, slightly balding grown-ups can succumb to peer pressure with disastrous results. So, how do you deal with it?
Step A. Remember, most of your friends are idiots. We often overlook this common piece of
knowledge. After all, how many of your friends have committed indiscretions, taken substances that were harmful to their health, gotten themselves fired from high-paying jobs, slept with someone who they just met, slept with someone who they knew in advance wouldn’t remember their name by the end of the week or gotten themselves carjacked just as their vehicle ran out of gas? Probably several. No matter how much you love them, to be safe you need to always remember that your friends are complete and utter morons.Step B. Get some freaking self-esteem. Let’s face it. You’re obviously superior to all those idiot friends of yours. That alone should fill you with at least some level of self-esteem. It may also be helpful to remember that there is nobody else on the planet quite like you. You are unique and special and deserve to be treated as such. Associate with people who recognize you for what you are, not for what they want you to be.
Step C. Do what you want to do. Even if influenced by a woman with a strong personality, don’t do anything you didn’t want to
before that woman began to use her strong personality for nefarious purposes. And hey, don’t blame her just because she encouraged you ... you can’t overcome your weaknesses until you confront them head on. (No, I have no idea who the guy in the picture is!)Step D. If you’re feeling in need of more attention than you’re getting (and who doesn’t?) don’t go looking in shady places for people to fill that need. For crying out loud, go meet some people with at least some level of morality and respectability ... you’ll feel better about it in the morning.
Little close to home yet?
How to be Funny While On Stage
Step A. Get some material that is at least amusing. If nobody is writing any, then write your own. In lieu of that, bastardize the
writing of somebody else. If it’s funny, who really gives a crap who wrote it? Don’t worry about offending the writer ... they don’t really have feelings. They’re kinda like plants. They have chloroform running through their veins. They don’t have eternal souls. They don’t go to Heaven ... they go to Writer Heaven, which is just down the street from Animal Heaven.Step B. Lift upstage arm.
Step C. Yell out the word, "Comedy!" That way the audience will know that what you’ve just said or done was supposed to be funny.
Step D. If the audience doesn’t laugh ... well, screw ‘em. Laugh at yourself. Hey, if you can’t amuse yourself, you’re just not trying hard enough.
How to Write an Amusing Blog Entry
Uhm ... I’ll have to get back to you on that one.
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