Life Like on TV

So, why can’t life be like on TV? Huh? You may think that’s an awfully juvenile question for somebody my age to ask, but c’mon, really, why not? On TV a problem or issue may come up and a half hour later it’s resolved and everybody goes back to life as normal. In real life, a problem or issue may come up and never be resolved ... or be resolved yet leave deep emotional scars that practically cripple you for years. On TV, nobody dies unless it’s a season-ending cliffhanger or sweeps week. In real life, death happens everyday. I would rather wait until February or November. On TV, shows go on hiatus. Real life never takes a break. There’s a new episode every freaking day, and most of them are very poorly written. And the performances ... ??? Hey, nobody in my life is gonna be winning a SAG Award anytime soon.

When characters don’t test well in a show’s pilot episode, those characters are eliminated or replaced. They re-write and re-cast. They redo everything until the show tests well with focus groups across the nation. There are dozens of characters in my life that haven’t tested well and guess what ... they’re still around. Hogging up all my camera time. And the focus group in my head is tired of them and keeps trying to change the channel.

Theme Music

What I really want is my own theme music. Y’know, something that plays every time I enter a room. Something upbeat and fun. Something that’ll put everybody in the "Here’s King" mood. I think this is why I am seeing so many people day to day wearing earphones as they walk down the street. Maybe it’s just New York, but it seems like more than half the people I see are listening to their iPod or MP3 player or whatever. At first I thought this explosion of headphone wearing folks was just a natural reaction to keeping panhandlers from approaching you on the subway, but I am starting to believe it is more deep-rooted than that. I think it is a subconscious need we all have to have our own theme song.

Let’s face it, you can notice a physical change walking down the street with your headphones on. If you’re listening to your song, the song that’s your theme music of the moment, then suddenly that sluggish walk to work becomes a strut. We all do the Saturday Night Fever strut. (My current "strut" song is Devil’s Party off of INXS’ new album ... in case you’re wondering.) Music can set the mood. Music can make us feel better about ourselves and where we’re going in life.

We’re all wearing headphones because we want to have our own theme music.

Catch Phrase

All the great characters on TV shows have or had their own catch phrase. Homer Simpson says, "D’oh!" Bart used to always say, "Eat my shorts." Fonzie said, "Heeeeyyyy!" Everybody else on Happy Days said, "Sit on it!" J.J. on Good Times said, "DYNOMITE!" The list goes on and on and on.

I want my own catch phrase. Problem is, none of the ones I’ve tried so far seem to work. For a while I tried, "in my pants." You know, somebody would see me rushing down the hall at work and would say, "Hey King, where’s the fire?" Fun little catch phrase, but just not enough opportunity to use it. I recently was called on my excessive use of the word "neat." Seems I put a little over-enunciation on the final syllable ... something like, "neaT!" But, since I’ve been called on it, I can’t keep it as a catch phrase ... too embarrassing. If you have any ideas for a new catch phrase, be sure to send them to me at kingspade@talentbros.com.

Uh oh ... The Laugh Track

Of course, if my life included it’s own theme music and catch phrases, then the laugh track wouldn’t be too far behind. Can you imagine if your life had it’s own laugh track? If I had one, it would always play at the most inopportune times. For example, here’s a scene from a recent episode of my life with the inappropriate laugh track inserted:

SCENE: King’s Living Room
CHARACTERS: King and Jeanette (Girl of the Week - Note to casting: have we found somebody for this part yet?)

JEANETTE: You know, King, I’ve had a really good time hanging out with you this week.
KING: Yeah ... me too. It’s been great. I really think that I’m starting to fall for you ...
[insert sappy "Awww!" effect we used in the episode where King found a puppy.]
JEANETTE: Oh.
KING: What’s the matter? Was that too fast?
JEANETTE: No ... it’s just that I don’t really like you like that.
[LAUGH TRACK.]

See, laugh tracks would be used for nefarious means in the TV show that is my life. How about this example from a "very special episode" from last season.

SCENE: Doctor’s Office
CHARACTERS: King and Dr. Rockefeller

DR ROCKEFELLER: Mr. Talent, you have cancer.
[LAUGH TRACK.]

See ... that’s not funny! Stop snickering!

Narration.

One thing that is fun and challenging is to add narration to your life. I tried this one day, just to see if it would jazz up my day. It’s actually more difficult than you would at first imagine. Especially considering that a day is significantly longer than your average sitcom. Or even hour long drama. Here’s an excerpt from the other day’s episode with narration:

"After hitting the snooze button for the fifth or sixth time, I sat up in bed and tossed my legs over the side. My vision was still quite blurry, but while looking down I realized that I hadn’t trimmed my toenails in about two weeks. I could practically cut meat with those. I rubbed my eyes and tried to pry out the little crusty things, but one was in there too good. Well, it should soften up in the shower. Up on my feet I walk to the computer to see if anybody has sent me an email since the last time I checked at around midnight last night. Nope. No email for me. Feeling depressed and lonely, I make my way into the shower and once again forget to wait for the water to heat up. The frigid cold water causes pain, anger and shrinkage. I can deal with pain and anger."

At about that point in time the water warmed up and the next ten minutes of narration were nothing more than, "Ooohhhhh."

If life was like TV, we wouldn’t have photo albums. We would have DVD box-sets. So we could re-live our lives over and over again ... kinda like one of those clip shows. If life was like on TV, that would mean that somebody somewhere is watching. Somebody somewhere is interested in what you’re doing. And if our lives had enough episodes, we could live forever in syndication.