Twenty Things You Might Not Know

A Random Assortment of Personal Facts:


1. I don’t like cheese. I’m also lactose intolerant, so that comes in handy.

2. I have fought back from traumatic physical injury and won. I have fought back against traumatic illness and disease and won. I have fought back against traumatic emotional misfortune … and the jury is still out on that one.

3. I very rarely discuss or relay my personal thoughts and beliefs on the subjects of politics or religion. I think doing so is, frankly, selfish and stupid. These are my thoughts and opinions and they are very precious to me. Yours are probably precious to you.  I respect your thoughts and opinions on the subjects … however; I have no interest in them. That being said, here’s two of my stronger thoughts:

     a. Politics: the fact that we consider a Constitutional Amendment that defines marriage necessary proves what a mindless society we are. Tens of thousands of years in the future, archaeologists are going to unearth our constitution and say to themselves, “Americans were so stupid they had to leave themselves a note telling them what a marriage is.”

     b. Religion: I’m a traditionalist, really. I do not believe that hymns ever need a guitar solo.

4. There is no personal trait more appealing to me than loyalty. There is no personal trait that disgusts me more than disloyalty.

5. I have never owned a car manufactured in the 21st Century and I doubt that I ever will.

6. I am self-conscious about my hairline and the size of my ass … and contrary to popular opinion, both have been pretty large my entire life.

7. I really am terribly shy. I have no interest in going out and meeting new people. I’ve met enough people and am positive I will meet more without being too terribly proactive about it.

8. I hate shaving.

9. I have not had a beer in almost thirty months. I have not had a glass of wine in almost thirty minutes.

10. Two things I should have stuck with: baseball and piano lessons.

11. I adore the Marx Brothers because I identify so closely with each of them. I have Harpo’s heart and reverie, Groucho’s mind and cynicism and Chico’s fantastic bad luck. And Gummo’s looks. I look like Gummo. Gummo didn’t sign autographs, he only signed checks.

12. That being said, what with some recent better diet and increased exercise … Gummo is starting to look pretty good with his shirt off!

13. I sometimes dream of what Olivier’s Richard III must have been like on stage. The film version is something odd and glorious … but how remarkable it must have been to literally be in the same room with that crookback king.

14. If you combined the surviving members of The Beatles and The Who, you would have the most mind-numbingly brilliant band on the face of the Earth. If you combined the deceased members of The Beatles with the deceased members of The Who, you would have music that tears away at the very fabric of time, space and conscious thought.

15. When I first started doing stand-up, I knew right away I wasn’t going to play the game many comics do where they string a bunch of random jokes and bits together to make a set. I would write a show. It would have a theme with a few diversions for fun. It would be true and honest. It took me four years to get it right. Now I’m working on the “next” show … one with a darker and angrier theme and tone … and although it remains true and honest, I have a feeling it will take eight years to get it right.

16. I don’t really believe in astrology … Western, Chinese or otherwise. But if you read Suzanne White’s The New Astrology’s description of the Pisces/Dog … wow, is that close!

17. Been having a lot of West Coast thoughts lately … just sayin’ …

18. I end every shower with about 15 seconds of ice cold water … just to get the system going … one day, I am certain, I’ll have a heart-attack and die in the shower. When that happens, you’ll know why.

19. Sorry Southerners … but I hate sweet tea … leave the sugar out for me, please. Same with coffee … just black, please. And it’s just fine if it comes from a gas station, I don’t do that “spend $4.50 at Starbucks” nonsense.

20. Whatever happened to cologne? I haven’t worn cologne in over ten years. Used to wear it all the time but now I’m perfectly happy smelling like Old Spice deodorant … or whatever else is on sale but not a gel.