How to Draw Attention to Yourself

Jump on the back of a complete stranger and ride him/her like a pony. Bonus points: Shout “Heigh-ho, Silver!” and spur ‘em just below the ribs. Even more bonus points: Shove a bridle in their face and feed them oats.

Tip attractive women on the streets like they were exotic dancers. Bonus points: Shove a couple of singles into their pants. Even more bonus points: Do it while holding the money in your teeth.

When a homeless person asks to bum a cigarette from you, take out your pack, open it and sling all of your cigarettes into the persons face while shouting, “Tobacco kills!” Bonus points: Once he has your cigarettes, offer him a light and then set him on fire.

Approach people on the street, handkerchief in hand, offering to let them blow their nose. If they refuse, blow your nose and give them the handkerchief to hold on to for safekeeping.

While walking an elderly lady across the street, get halfway into the intersection and then fake a grand mal seizure. Bonus points: Actually have a grand mal seizure.

Shovel sidewalks … in the middle of the summer. Demand to be paid.

It's Amazing I'm Not a Puritan

Once again, my “hometown” (quotes mine, I just can’t fess up to being from there right now) embarrasses itself. This is making statewide news right now ...

(AP - 2/17/07 - LUBBOCK, TX) - Police arrested eight Chippendales dancers and three others during the first of three sold out performances Friday, accusing them of violating the city's adult entertainment ordinance.

Officers raided Jake's Sports Cafe about 30 minutes after the show started and the venue was closed. They arrested the venue's manager, the show's promoter and the dancers' manager along with the dancers in front of a disgruntled crowd of women.

Shortly after, several hundred women began chanting, "Bring them back, bring them back" and "the City Council sucks, the City Council sucks."

Authorities say the dancers violated a city ordinance which bars contact between entertainers and patrons. Lt. Greg Stevens of the Lubbock Police said the dancers were simulating sexual positions with audience members.

Jake's Sports Bar owner, Scott Stephenson, said his establishment did everything as planned to abide by the city ordinance.

"Comparatively, it's a classy production," said Greg Jackson, Jake's Sports Cafe booking agent, adding that Chippendale dancers do not take off all their clothes.

Stephenson said he feels the police were there to shut them down.

Police says they intend to get an arrest warrant for Stephenson.

~~~~~~~~

Pelvic action thrusts review into scrutiny
BY Beth Aaron, Lubbock Avalanche-Journal

Blowing on a woman's neck and thrusting a pelvis led to 11 arrests last weekend after police shut down a male review at Jake's Sports Cafe, said the bar's owner.

The dancers, their manager, a production manager and a manager of Jake's Sports Cafe were arrested during the first of three performances scheduled for Feb. 16.

Lubbock Police Lt. Greg Stevens declined to elaborate on what "simulation of a sexual act" caused police to shut down the dance performance, but said "they engaged in behavior that falls under the city code for sexually oriented businesses."

Scott Stephenson, one of Jake's owners, said one of the dancers blew on a woman's neck and thrusted his pelvis toward her.

"It's a provocative move, I agree," Stephenson said, "but it's not illegal."

Police intend to present their case to the district attorney's office, which was closed Monday for President's Day. The dancers and managers are accused of violating a state law that requires a permit for performing sexually oriented material, Police Chief Claude Jones said.

The Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission will review police records about the incident once they become available, Capt. Dan Cullers said.

If Jake's violated a city code, TABC can take administrative action against the establishment. Depending on the severity of the violation, Jake's could be issued a warning or up to 60 days suspension.

Michael Caprio, the Chippendales' spokesman, said this is the first time in 30 years any member of the male dance troupe has been arrested.

He said the company is considering filing a lawsuit against the city of Lubbock.

"At this point in time, no decision has been made, but we are evaluating the situation," Caprio said. "To have this happen is sort of confusing for all of us because we thought we were doing everything that we needed to do to our knowledge."

Stephenson also said the bar's owners are considering taking legal action against the city.

"We have to look at our options and what's right to do to take care of everyone," he said. "We were poised to have one of our best days ever, and they closed us down at seven. We have a lot of people that couldn't make their rent."

Still, Stephenson said he would rather work with the city to find a solution to his problem than end up in court.

Stephenson said patrons may start receiving refunds for Chippendales tickets on Wednesday. The bar sold more than $20,000 worth of tickets for three sold-out shows on Friday.

~~~~~~~~

I would like to draw your attention to something in the article above ... this is the first time in thirty years that a Chippendales dancer was arrested ... anywhere! Obviously Chippendales is making their first appearance in Lubbock, TX. Never mind the fact that I used to work in a BYOB tittie-bar in Lubbock years ago ... one where from time to time the women violated the law and got completely nude ... but the city didn't really care. In Lubbock, they turn the other way when it comes to women.

Jeez ... do you now realize why I have such a desire to move to Vegas? Look at where I grew up!

Thinly Veiled Messages

I honestly try not to be too much of a complainer. But as I’ve mentioned in this blog before, one of the real pains of working with a certain type of person is that you develop close and important relationships that come to an end simply because the relationship, regardless of how powerful it appeared to be, was only based on the work or that brief period of time. Next thing you know, you’re dropped like a hot potato and these folks move on to something else. (Notice I didn’t say “bigger and better?”)

I’ve never agreed with this mentality although, in all honesty, I’m probably just as guilty of it. I’m no better than anybody else. But it is frustrating in so far as you start to realize that your circle of friends is primarily based on what project you’re currently working on. As somebody who works on few projects because I spend time developing my own (and therefore go through fairly solitary periods of time), I find myself not necessarily lonely, but perhaps jealous of others who constantly have a large group of people vying for their attentions.

Remember high school? Everybody … and I do mean everybody … had their own little clique or niche that they fell into. Some people carry those friendships through the rest of their lives. That just wasn’t my style. Not that I didn’t care for those folks … just that our lives were going in vastly different directions.

Having spent a little time thinking about people who I genuinely care about but don’t really have contact with, I decided that I would write little thoughts and messages to them. Since many have certainly expressed disinterest in hearing from me, I figured I would just post them here to be read (and wondered about) by everybody. I have thinly (and I do mean thinly) disguised names to protect the innocent, the guilty and the few pains-in-the-ass.

A lot of these messages are a bit indignant … I apologize for that, but I’m just in an indignant mood today:

To Mattress Store Partner: I hope your decisions, which I completely respect and appreciate although I simply cannot agree with, have made you confident about your future. But could it ever be as intense and passionate as you imagined it would be? Have you read the Catholicism yet? You deserve respect and attention … I hope you’re getting it … but you know as well as I do that the flash and spark in your eyes isn’t what it could be.

To Deck The Halls: I still love ya, babe. You’re easily one of the two or three coolest people I’ve ever met (and I’ve met Willie Nelson, Buddhist monks, Derek Jacobi and David Lee Roth). You just got it wrong, that’s all.

To Dramatica: Wow … you sure know how to make a guy feel important, huh? It’s a shame that honesty wasn’t your strong suit. Caught me off guard ... what with you meaning the world to me and all ... it should've been amazing. I just never knew what was happening the other half of the time, huh?

To The Original Three: Guys, you’re missing out on something big. In life you can choose to either be a part of something great or to get lazy and watch greatness pass you by. Trust me, I’ve done the latter … it’s time to focus on the former. While you guys are off in the back laughin’ and jokin’, my ass is out front just a-cookin’ and a-smokin’!

To The Big O #1: You know, I never minded that other people thought you were bat-shit crazy. Didn’t even mind the fact that you are the epitome of a drama queen (I have a long and lovely history with drama queens). What surprised me was how self-centered you are … how’s that working out for you? Turn your back on anybody else recently? Give ‘em hell at the library.

To The Big O #2: And people bitch about Big O #1 being a drama queen.

To Caliban: Do you spread lies about everybody or is it just me? Makes me think that beyond being incompetent, you’re just intimidated …

To The Token: … and your ass had better be intimidated. You never were and never will be in my league, so clam the hell up.

To Chiki: One of these days you’ll get out of the habit of sabotaging your own life … just don’t expect anybody to still be around to congratulate you.

To The Electric Company: Thanks for blowing me off. To this day I don’t know why my hopes were so high.

To Bacchus: Speaking of blowing people off … did I become a leper or something? Or are you just not allowed to hang with folks with strong personalities? And since when did I develop such a strong personality?

Now let the debate begin … “Who is he talking about here? Is that me? That son-of-a …” … and if a message wasn’t directed towards you, it probably means that you are actively a part of my life and for that I offer my most sincere thanks. Those few … “those happy few” … are greatly cherished.

Sometimes I Hate My Neighborhood

Sometimes I hate where I live -- no real selection when it comes to stores, the bus that used to be less than a block away is now six blocks away, English is a foreign language, etc ... and then this morning there was this ....

Water Valve Break Prompts N.J. Evacuations
Boil Water Advisory Issued For Hudson County

(CBS/AP) WEST NEW YORK, N.J. Emergency crews used rafts to evacuate some people whose basements flooded because of a broken water valve Friday. And the break later prompted officials to issue a boil water advisory for portions of Hudson County.

It appeared the eight-inch valve broke beneath Bergenline Avenue and 51st Street around 5:00 a.m, United Water spokesman Rich Henning said. The valve was connected to a 24-inch main and water poured onto the street and down a hill.

Customers in West New York, Guttenberg and parts of Union City might have no water, low water pressure or discolored water, Henning said. Residents in those areas were advised to boil their water for at least one minute before drinking or other uses.

Specifically, the boil water advisory was in effect for customers residing from 61st Street in West New York south to the Jersey City border and from the Boulevard east to Kennedy Boulevard.

Crews were still working to repair the valve at midday Friday.

An Early Read on Super Bowl Sunday

So last night a few folks came over and we did a first read of the current draft of my latest play The Broken Jump. I am happy to report that, overall, I am quite happy with it. Sure, it needs some ham fat trimmed off here and there and there are a few places where the dialogue gets pretty clunky … but overall I thought that it read well. I’ll be doing the first round of re-writes this week before submitting the show to the Fringe Festival and the Midtown International Theatre Festival for production later this year. If not accepted to either (which is likely in this theatrically political environment) then we’ll simply produce the show for a nice long run later in the year.

Much thanks to Mel, Tony, Jeremy, Jess and Rebecca for swinging by and reading the show with me before enjoying the Super Bowl. In unrelated news, I have lots of leftover chow (yet no beer) to keep me eating unhealthily for the next couple of weeks.

Looks like The Talented Talent Brothers are inching closer to our ’07 stage return … and this time in a vehicle vastly different from anything we’ve done before.

It’s Too Damn Cold

Yeah, I know … nobody reads a blog to get an update on the weather. It’s like mindless small-talk being posted on the Internet. But it’s too damn cold to think of much of anything else. This is being written mid-day with a wind chill in NYC of two below. Is it any wonder that I’m getting tired of New York and am seriously considering a move to Vegas? According to weather.com it is currently a brisk 62 degrees in Sin City.

If it is as cold tomorrow morning as it was today – then you can bet dollars to doughnuts that I’ll be working from home … my pale desert skin just can’t adapt to a real arctic blast.

Random Things I’ve Noticed This Week

1) Snickers Ice Cream sandwiches are awesome – even in the dead of winter.

2) People, particularly people in Boston, who think LED advertising with Aqua Teen Hunger Force's mooninite Ignignokt flipping the bird are actually bombs are pure and unadulterated idiots. The district attorney in Boston is the chief idiot, however. Figures … Boston politician … can’t be too damn bright.

3) The Super Bowl commercials this year left a lot to be desired. Prince’s half-time show, tho, was pretty hot.

4) Spiderman 3, Fantastic Four 2 and Ghost Rider all come out within the next few months – Marvel’s gotta be excited ‘cause I know the superhero geek inside of me damn sure is.

5) I’m headed back to San Francisco in March and I couldn’t be more excited. Three years ago I was in SF and it was a great time.

Why a Duck? 'Cause They're Cool

It just goes to show, you can't keep a good duck down:

TALLAHASSEE, Florida (AP) -- Perky is one tough bird.

The ring-neck duck survived being shot and spending two days in a hunter's refrigerator -- and now she's had a close brush with death on a veterinarian's operating table.

The one-pound female duck stopped breathing Saturday during surgery to repair gunshot damage to one wing, said Noni Beck of the Goose Creek Wildlife Sanctuary.

Veterinarian David Hale revived the bird after several tense moments by performing CPR.

"I started crying, 'She's alive!"' Beck said.

Perky entered the headlines last week after a hunter's wife opened her refrigerator door and the should've-been-dead duck lifted its head and looked at her. The bird had been in the fridge for two days since being shot and presumed killed January 15.

Perky is recovering with a pin installed in the fractured wing, and probably will not have more surgery because of her sensitivity to anesthesia, Hale said.

Why is it that ... ?

… the best sleep I get at night is the nine minutes between hitting the snooze button and the alarm going off again?

… I make more money than I ever have in my life, yet I’m just as broke as I’ve ever been?

… at nearly thirty-seven years of age, I still like to check out the super hero action figure aisle at Toys R Us?

… I constantly forget to charge my cell phone?

… boxing is so damn hard of a sport?

… I have never had a 9-to-5 job where I could live life as one of those “leave work at work” kinda people?

… I spend every Saturday morning drinking nearly a pot of coffee and then spend the afternoon making all-too-frequent trips to the restroom?

… I have the most trouble writing the most basic scene in my latest play? I mean, really? It’s taking me forever.

… I get constant e-mails telling me about penis enlargement products? Who squealed?

Shoulda Been 40

Not to be too much of a downer, but today is a very depressing day for me. Today my brother would have been 40 years old. Folks who know me well would be able to tell you how important and what an influence he was on my life -- for good and bad. Even now, over five years since his passing, I find myself thinking of him and missing him each and every day. That's not some stupid exaggeration -- not a single day passes that I don't think of him. He was the one person who I could really talk to -- as children he was my confidant -- and the one person who I truly felt supported and was proud of my "artistic" endeavors.

He was the most natural musician who I've ever encountered. The man could play literally anything. Guitar, piano, cello ... name it. I remember vividly a cousin visiting us when we were children and bringing his slide trombone. Neither Chuck nor I had ever even seen a trombone in person. After spending five or ten minutes figuring out how to pucker and blow and make the darn thing make some noise, Chuck was playing Dixie Land jazz on the damn thing. Quite literally ten minutes elapsed from being first introduced to an instrument to being able to play it. To me that is nothing short of miraculous.

Just months before passing away he finished recording his first real demo. He did practically everything -- from turning his bedroom into a professional studio, to recording guitar tracks, bass tracks, and vocal tracks -- and churned out six songs that he was very proud of. Shopping those tracks around and playing the occasional gig here and there, it really looked like Chuck was finally going to "make it." He had, much like I, lived a hard life. More than a fair share of the troubles he experienced in his life were brought upon himself -- you may not be able to have much sympathy for that, but as someone who has done likewise, I can. And trust me, I never experienced the majority of the hardships and challenges he did.

You think my stories are something? Ha! You should hear his! I'm so minor league when it comes to "bizarre crap happening in my life" by comparison.

Those six songs are fixtures on my iPod. His photo hangs on my wall. He is the unseen driving force behind my so-called career as an actor and writer. He is the soul of my sense of humor ("I got you babe") and the brains behind much of my shtick. And dear Lord, I would trade it all in to have one evening drinking beer and shooting the breeze with my brother again.

Quotes, Unquotes and Quotes

Have you ever noticed how perfectly a quote from a famous person or historical figure can capture so exactly what you are thinking or feeling at any particular given point in time? The words of others, especially those of people we respect and admire, can inspire you. They can give you comfort that somebody else is feeling what you’re feeling. They can make you feel less alone in this great big world.

So, here for your quick consumption, are a few famous quotes that capture what I’ve been thinking, been feeling or been encountering over the past several days:

"How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live."
-- Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862)

"I was working on the proof of one of my poems all the morning, and took out a comma. In the afternoon I put it back again."
-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)

"Acting is the most minor of gifts and not a very high-class way to earn a living. After all, Shirley Temple could do it at the age of four."
-- Katharine Hepburn (1907 - 2003)

"The wine urges me on, the bewitching wine, which sets even a wise man to singing and to laughing gently and rouses him up to dance and brings forth words which were better unspoken."
-- Homer (800 BC - 700 BC)

"I drink too much. Other people learn things when I drink. Last night a limo driver learned if I say I’ve gotta yak, it doesn’t mean I have a long-haired buffalo living in my backyard."
-- Ron White (1956 - )

The End of an Animated Era

Within the past month, cartoon fanatics such as myself lost two very important and influential people. Please join me in paying respects to two cartoon legends:

Joseph Barbera

Joe Barbera, half of the Hanna-Barbera animation team that produced such beloved cartoon characters as Tom and Jerry, Yogi Bear and the Flintstones, died December 18. He was 95.

With his longtime partner, Bill Hanna, Barbera first found success creating the highly successful Tom and Jerry cartoons. The antics of the battling cat and mouse went on to win seven Academy Awards, more than any other series with the same characters.

The partners, who teamed up while working at MGM in the 1930s, then went on to a whole new realm of success in the 1960s with a witty series of animated TV comedies, including "The Flintstones," "The Jetsons," "Yogi Bear," "Scooby-Doo" and "Huckleberry Hound and Friends."

Their strengths melded perfectly, critic Leonard Maltin wrote in his book "Of Mice and Magic: A History of American Animated Cartoons." Barbera brought the comic gags and skilled drawing, while Hanna brought warmth and a keen sense of timing.

"This writing-directing team may hold a record for producing consistently superior cartoons using the same characters year after year — without a break or change in routine," Maltin wrote.

"From the Stone Age to the Space Age and from prime time to Saturday mornings, syndication and cable, the characters he created with his late partner, William Hanna, are not only animated superstars, but also a very beloved part of American pop culture. While he will be missed by his family and friends, Joe will live on through his work," Warner Bros. Chairman and CEO Barry Meyer said Monday.

Iwao Takamoto

Iwao Takamoto, the animator who created the cartoon canine Scooby-Doo as well as characters on such shows as "The Flintstones" and "The Jetsons," died Monday, January 8, after suffering a massive coronary, a spokesman said. He was 81.

Takamoto died at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles, where he was being treated for respiratory problems, said Gary Miereanu, a spokesman for Warner Bros. Animation.

Takamoto designed Scooby-Doo, his equally famished and cowardly master Shaggy, and their pals Velma, Daphne and Fred in the late 1960s while working at the Hanna-Barbera animation studio.

The Great Dane's name was inspired by an improvised line at the end of Frank Sinatra's "Strangers in the Night."

He also designed the snickering dog Muttley, who was featured in a number of productions, and Astro, the family dog on "The Jetsons." For "The Flintstones," he created the Great Gazoo, a green alien.

Takamoto's death comes exactly three weeks after that of Hanna-Barbera co-founder Joseph Barbera, who was 95; his business partner William Hanna died in 2001.

Takamoto, who was born in Los Angeles in 1925, spent part of World War II in an internment camp, where he received some informal illustration training from fellow Japanese-Americans.

After the war he got a job as an apprentice at Disney Studios, where he worked on such features as "Cinderella" and "Peter Pan." In 1961, he moved to Hanna-Barbera.

At the time of his death, Takamoto was a vice president at Warner Bros. Animation. He storyboarded the 2005 Tom and Jerry animation short "The Karateguard," and helped design many of the characters in the current series "Krypto the Superdog." He is survived by his wife, Barbara, and two children.

Influence

I grew up with Hanna-Barbera and Filmation cartoons. They influenced my childhood, my life and my sense of humor. To this day I am a Scooby Doo fanatic and can watch my favorite canine for hours on end. While I, like millions of others, will always have a great appreciation and admiration for Looney Tunes and the Warner Brothers work, for some reason Hanna-Barbera represented my generation.

Zoinks!

Carnival Game

It was a masquerade at Mardi Gras
That was the only trip that I recall
Everytime I turned around at all
There was you

Some days are easier said than done
Always expecting something's wrong
I'd rather live alone than drag this on

Take your time
Please lay your hands on me
Don't wanna be alone, oh no
A mask behind the face and then you're gone
Oh yeah -- comes a time when you're better off alone
You're on your own

I've got a kaleidoscope of memories
Visions of you locked up inside of me
Can't you see

We once collided like a broken wheel
So undecided what was real
Maybe a crash somehow has sex appeal
Whatever turns you on

Take your time
Please lay your hands on me
Don't wanna be alone, oh no
A mask behind a face and then you're gone
Oh yeah- comes a time when you're better off alone

One down, one to go
Oh no, playin' in a carnival
Your time is gone

One down, one to go
Oh no, playin' in a carnival
You're all alone

One down, one to go
Oh no, you're on your own

-- Rick Nielsen

Computers: Harbingers of Memories

Having returned to the office after well over a month away, I have spent a fair portion of the day cleaning things up and getting ready for the new year. Once the desk was satisfactorily straightened up (which isn’t saying much) I turned my attention to my PC and discovered many a memory.

First were a large number of draft scripts and press releases from previous shows. Some dating back a few years. Next I stumbled across a number of old pictures – some of friends, some of me with friends and at least three of people who I don’t know at all. And then … the email …

See, in mid-’06 I upgraded all the Microsoft software on my machine, including Outlook, to the 2003 release. However, prior to that I had always archived all of my e-mail – whether personal or professional – with the exception of all the junk mail that was deleted over the years. Starting fresh in ’07 I realized that I hadn’t archived anything since the upgrade. When I attempted to, it told me that my old .pst file was full – it was still archiving to the previous version’s file. So I went about creating a new (and much larger) 2003 version of the file, restored the entire archive (the old archive, that is) and then re-archived into the new, larger file I had just built.

Slowly on my screen began to appear all of these old emails from the past several years. Some from people I hadn’t talked to in … well, in several years. Half amused I began to occasionally open a few and read them … ah, memories.

I couldn’t help but stumble across a chain of emails from somebody who was once very special to me. Very special. The emails were sexy, suggestive and slightly salacious. Ah, nice emails they were. And as my mind flooded with memories of this lovely creature that was so briefly a remarkably important part of my life, I asked myself … why isn’t she still?

And thus we turn to a recurring theme of this blog … I hate actors. You’ve assumed by now that these emails of arousal were from an actress? Smart you. You’ve been paying attention.

So, what ended our brief liaison of witty and suggestive repartee? Why did this burgeoning relationship filled with desire and passion just snuff itself out? Why did this blossoming relationship just simply vanish? I wish I knew for certain. I was certainly smitten (yes, I said "smitten" -- get over it!) But it certainly appears that the cause of the demise of this flaming passion was … the show ended.

Humph! I hate actors.

All-Star Dead Guys Rock Band

We as a society are just in love with lists. Myself included. One of my favorite books as a kid was The Book of Lists. I just love putting a list together.

I bring this up only because I was asked one of those great bar questions a little while back. Of all the great musicians who have died, who would make the best rock band? Y'know, what guys are up in heaven just jammin' away? I debated some of the great musicians who I admire -- Joplin and Hendrix, for example -- but decided that I would post what I thought would make the best band. So, with YouTube links, here we go ...

Freddie Mercury, Vocals, Queen
September 5, 1946 – November 24, 1991



Randy Rhoads, Guitar, Ozzy Osbourne
December 6, 1956 – March 19, 1982



Cliff Burton, Bass, Metallica
February 10, 1962 – September 27, 1986



Eric Carr, Drums, Kiss
July 12, 1950 - November 24, 1991


What a sad day November 24, 1991 was ... both Freddie Mercury and Eric Carr passed away on that day.

So, there's my "All-Star Dead Guys Rock Band" -- would love to hear your opinions.

New Year’s Resolutions & Other Ramblings

Yet again proving that I am a fount of unoriginality, I’ve decided that today I would include a post about my New Year’s resolutions. Not that I’ve ever really been much of a resolutions kinda guy – making resolutions always seemed to be counter to my spontaneous “take it as it comes” nature. But perhaps by putting these goals and ideas in writing (and publishing on the ‘net for the world to see) I’ll have some added pressure to actually put some effort into them. Nothing terribly ground-breaking here, but here goes:

1. Pay better attention to my health, lose weight, eat better: yeah, yeah, I know these are the same resolutions half of the population is making, but I am genuinely disturbed about my health for the first time in 20 years. It’s time to start paying attention. Gym memberships should actually be used.

2. Become more financially responsible. Simply put, I’m tired of living paycheck to paycheck – especially since my own irresponsibility is the primary reason I find myself in that state.

3. Spend more time out and about. Granted, I’ve always been something of a homebody, but it’s ridiculous how little time I’ve spent in the past couple of years out having adventures. Last year I never actually had a trip to the beach, which is heresy in my mind. I’ve not made the most of the “New York experience” in my time here either. In ’07 I’ll make a point to enjoy the city and to also find time to get out and surf, rock climb, hike, ride and fish.

4. Allow my writing to become more personal. Whether that transfers to the hack writing I do in this blog, we’ll see. Regardless, I’ve let my creativity become less personal and more pedestrian – that has to stop.

5. Enjoy friends and loved ones more. Keep selfishness at bay.

Useless (Depressing?) Information About Sex

According to Tiresias, a prophet in Greek mythology, the woman gets nine times more pleasure than the man. Who gets the most pleasure out of sex--the man or the woman?

Scientifically speaking, your basic run-of-the-mill male and female orgasms are pretty similar. Kinsey, in particular, took pains to emphasize that "the anatomic structures which are most essential to sexual response and orgasm are nearly identical in the human female and male," and that "orgasm in the female matches orgasm of the male in every physiologic detail except for the fact that it occurs without ejaculation."

OK, now the bad news (for us guys, I mean). Masters and Johnson (1966), while conceding that male and female orgasm were usually pretty comparable, noted two important differences. The first is well known: women can have multiple orgasms without having to rest in between, as men do. This occurs in 10 to 15 percent of women regardless of age. Young men can have multiple orgasms within ten minutes or so, but this ability drops off sharply after age 30. Yup … sharply.

The second difference has been less publicized: women are capable of sustained orgasm, called status orgasmus. These orgasms may start with a 2-to-4-second "spastic contraction" and last 20 to 60 seconds all told--and if that isn't nine times the pleasure, it's definitely in the ballpark. Masters and Johnson published the chart for one woman who experienced a 43-second orgasm in which one can count at least 22 successive contractions.

Depressed? Hey, it gets worse. Status orgasmus is usually the result of self-stimulation, but a woman can also experience it at the hands (ahem … for example) of a suitably skilled lover.

Christmas in Sydney

Finally, for those of you who, like me, feel like you did at least one stupid thing this holiday season – rejoice! There’s at least one person in the world who made a bigger boo-boo:

BERLIN, Germany (Reuters) -- A 21-year-old German tourist who wanted to visit his girlfriend in the Australian metropolis Sydney landed 13,000 kilometers (8,077 miles) away near Sidney, Montana, after mistyping his destination on a flight booking Web site.

Dressed for the Australian summer in T-shirt and shorts, Tobi Gutt left Germany on Saturday for a four-week holiday.

Instead of arriving "down under", Gutt found himself on a different continent and bound for the chilly state of Montana.

"I did wonder but I didn't want to say anything," Gutt told the Bild newspaper. "I thought to myself, you can fly to Australia via the United States."

Gutt's airline ticket routed him via the U.S. city of Portland, Oregon, to Billings, Montana. Only as he was about to board a commuter flight to Sidney -- an oil town of about 5,000 people -- did he realize his mistake.

The hapless tourist, who had only a thin jacket to keep out the winter cold, spent three days in Billings airport before he was able to buy a new ticket to Australia with 600 euros in cash that his parents and friends sent over from Germany.

"I didn't notice the mistake as my son is usually good with computers," his mother, Sabine, told Reuters.

Throwaway Thoughts

There's a ton of goofy things on the Internet these days, but this one caught my eye. Our culture has deemed celebrities more important than real issues like war, health care, genocide and such ... so I figured I would jump on the bandwagon and stroke my own ego. So, here are my celebrity look-a-likes:



I had a nice little laugh when I tried this with a photo of myself with dark hair and some facial hair and the top three responses were Johnny Depp, Luke Wilson and Thomas Jefferson. I'm just a bigger fan of Albert Finney, Alan Rickman and Johannes Brahms ... so I though I would share this one with you.

Grammy Nom and Best Cameo in a Music Video

Major congrats to Weird Al Yankovic for his Grammy nomination. The nominations for the 49th annual Grammy Awards were announced December 7th, and I'm very happy to report that our old friend Weird Al made the cut! His recent album Straight Outta Lynwood was nominated for 2 awards: Best Comedy Album (the other nominees are George Carlin, Lewis Black, Bill Engvall and Ron White) and Best Surround Sound Album.

There's a category for Best Surround Sound Album? Or should I just stop reading press releases that come from Weird Al himself?

When MTV or VH1 (or whoever actually shows music videos these days) has their next award show they need to nominate Donny Osmond for best cameo appearance in a video. If you haven't checked it out yet, here ya go ... the hottest video out there:



That's Great Shat!

In my last post I pointed out that we will all soon be missing the remarkably talented William Shatner's game show and have to simply be content with the man's brilliant performances on Boston Legal. Luckily, I stumbled across this piece of video that proves, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Shatner is a talent like no other.



... yes, I promise future posts will have more thought put into them. It's the holiday season ... cut me a break.

One Year Later

This entry officially marks the first anniversary of the ol’ Hippopotamus’ blog. Yup, the very first entry was posted December 20th of 2005. In the past year a number of things have changed, but not the opinions expressed in the very first entry. So, for the two of my three readers who weren’t around for that first entry, I invite you to jump in the time portal and check it out. Yes, I still hate actors.

Isolation

I have to admit that the past few weeks have been refreshing. On the other side of the country with only a minor distraction here and there, I was able to finally (FINALLY!) spend some time getting my thoughts together. No real worries about health and happiness. No major deadlines to meet. No need to be social. I was able to isolate myself briefly from the world. I was able to spend each evening in the gym sorting through the jumbled mass of confusion that my mind had become.

2006 was a year of chaos for me. Frankly, it had overwhelmed me. Too often over the past several months I had lost sight of just who exactly I was. I was exhausted. I was directionless. I was uncertain. And I hate to be uncertain.

So I shut out the rest of the world for a bit. I should do that more often.

Hot Babe on the Campaign Trail

So, late one night in my hotel room, I’m flipping through channels when I stumble across a hot redhead on … CSPAN2? What … ?

It’s Dennis Kucinich announcing that he’ll be running for President again. Standing next to the diminutive Senator was this glorious beauty of a young woman. Having done so much political polling work during the last election, I was fairly familiar with Mr. Kucinich. One fact that I had remembered was that he was often referred to as the bachelor candidate.

Little did I know (how should I? I don’t live in Ohio.) he had recently been married. To a woman thirty years his junior, nonetheless. The former Elizabeth Harper is his new bride – she’s 27 years old and from England – and she’s easy on the eyes.

Here’s hoping Kucinich doesn’t drop out too early … we could use some eye candy on the election trail.

Shat-tastic

William Shatner began hosting a terrible game show last month. A blatant rip-off of Who Wants to be a Millionaire and Deal or No Deal, this show has the added attraction of dancing girls and Bill being as campy as humanly possible. It’s called Show Me The Money (they couldn’t even come up with a title that wasn’t a rip-off) and has already been cancelled.

From the show’s press release: After answering a trivia question, a contestant will choose one of 13 dancers, each of whom has a scroll with a dollar figure to be added to or subtracted from the player’s winnings. Contestants must answer at least six questions. ABC is calling the hoofers the "Million Dollar Dancers" and says they’ll always be "ready to break into any style of dance, while audacious master of ceremonies William Shatner spontaneously boogies with the beauties onstage."



Seven more episodes have already been taped and will air … but after that, nada.

Oh well … at least there’s still Boston Legal and Star Trek re-runs.

Retarded Neighbors & The Hall of Fame

The three of you who actually read this blog know that a few months back I moved into a new apartment. Overall I am very happy with the place … it’s a bit smaller, it’s a bit cheaper, it has a nice view of Manhattan (see crappy phone camera picture), my commute to and from work is as easy as ever … but my neighbors are, well, retarded.

Now, don’t go getting your panties in an uproar … by “retarded” I don’t mean mentally handicapped or any such thing. They’re just stupid. Stupid and annoying.

For one, they like to smoke in the hallway. I can understand this … they have young children and I agree that you shouldn’t smoke around kids. My old man smoked around my brother and I and God knows we’ve had our share of medical problems. I also understand that, even though they have a very nice fire escape they could smoke on, maybe they’re not used to the dipping temperatures (although it has been unseasonably warm lately) and would prefer to smoke indoors. However, I do NOT understand why they think the hallway is an ashtray in and of itself.

Do they bother to ash or put out their butts in an ashtray, a soda can, anything? No. They feel that stairs serve the same purpose … and they’re nifty for getting up and down. And who, pray tell, winds up being the one who sweeps and mops up after them? You guessed it.

But in truth, this is the least of my complaints. I’m more concerned with their maltreatment of our building’s plumbing.

It all began several weeks ago when both my shower and my kitchen sink backed up. Neither was all that severe. A bottle of Liquid Plumber seemed to do the trick … for a day or two. And then it happened again. This time I took the plunger to the shower drain and yielded minimal results. I switched gears and tried the same in the kitchen sink. After three or four minutes of active plunging (that’s a cool word, you gotta admit) I pulled up handfuls (plural, not singular, please note) of rice! I don’t eat rice! These a$$holes had apparently forced about a pound and a half of rice down the drain. Jeez!

Then this week, after returning from Jamaica (I’ll write about that in the next post … probably) I found my shower backed up with about six inches of disgusting brown, hair-and-gunk filled water. Joy! I took the trusty plunger to the drain again … and after about 10 minutes the water slowly drained away. Two days later, it happened again. I repeated the process. Two days later, it happened again …

But this time was different. This time it reeked of bleach. It was next to impossible to breathe in my apartment. This time I had no choice but to call my landlord and have a plumber come and “snake my shit.” (That’s a shout out to JB … we’re both amused by the phrase “snake my shit.”) He couldn’t get out until the next morning … and by then I realized that whatever was causing the bleach odor was eating away my damn shower!

The problem is now resolved … but my poor shower has been scarred for life.

Big Mac & The Hall of Fame

Here are the only two questions that need to be considered whenever Mark McGwire and Hall of Fame are brought up in the same sentence -- as they will be a lot from now until the Class of 2007 is announced early in January. And maybe long after that.

First, do McGwire's on-field accomplishments merit his selection to Cooperstown? Yes! But, does anything else -- we all know what that might be -- demand his exclusion? I have to say no!

McGwire is among the 17 former Major League Baseball players on the 2007 Hall of Fame ballot, the first such group of prominent players linked to the use of performance-enhancing drugs.

This group includes Jose Canseco and the late Ken Caminiti, former MVPs who admitted steroid use. In fact, Canseco made the accusation that he and McGwire did steroids together while teammates with the Oakland A’s.

Members of the Baseball Writers Association of America who have covered the sport for at least 10 years determine which players make the cut. That’s who votes. Sports writers. People who are always looking for good copy.

Their consternation centers on whether to admit McGwire, who finished his career with 583 home runs, which ranks seventh on MLB's all-time list. Five-hundred home runs, 3,000 hits … both are usually considered automatic entries.

If only Big Mac hadn't gone to Capitol Hill last year. Things might be different.

The slugger was peppered with questions from opportunistic lawmakers wanting to know what he put in his body to become Paul Bunyan. His response is exactly what will unfairly doom his selection into the Hall, ``I'm not here to talk about the past.''

The Associated Press earlier this week surveyed about 20 percent of eligible voters. Only 1-in-4 who gave an opinion said they planned to vote for McGwire this year.

That's far shy of the 75 percent needed for induction. In fact, it's closer to the 5 percent needed just to remain on future ballots. And that’s a shame … nothing has been proven and there wasn’t even a policy in place banning steroids until 2002. Are we gonna ban the man that in many ways saved the sport with his run at 61 homeruns on hearsay and innuendo? Knowing baseball writers … probably so.