How to Draw Attention to Yourself

Jump on the back of a complete stranger and ride him/her like a pony. Bonus points: Shout “Heigh-ho, Silver!” and spur ‘em just below the ribs. Even more bonus points: Shove a bridle in their face and feed them oats.

Tip attractive women on the streets like they were exotic dancers. Bonus points: Shove a couple of singles into their pants. Even more bonus points: Do it while holding the money in your teeth.

When a homeless person asks to bum a cigarette from you, take out your pack, open it and sling all of your cigarettes into the persons face while shouting, “Tobacco kills!” Bonus points: Once he has your cigarettes, offer him a light and then set him on fire.

Approach people on the street, handkerchief in hand, offering to let them blow their nose. If they refuse, blow your nose and give them the handkerchief to hold on to for safekeeping.

While walking an elderly lady across the street, get halfway into the intersection and then fake a grand mal seizure. Bonus points: Actually have a grand mal seizure.

Shovel sidewalks … in the middle of the summer. Demand to be paid.

It's Amazing I'm Not a Puritan

Once again, my “hometown” (quotes mine, I just can’t fess up to being from there right now) embarrasses itself. This is making statewide news right now ...

(AP - 2/17/07 - LUBBOCK, TX) - Police arrested eight Chippendales dancers and three others during the first of three sold out performances Friday, accusing them of violating the city's adult entertainment ordinance.

Officers raided Jake's Sports Cafe about 30 minutes after the show started and the venue was closed. They arrested the venue's manager, the show's promoter and the dancers' manager along with the dancers in front of a disgruntled crowd of women.

Shortly after, several hundred women began chanting, "Bring them back, bring them back" and "the City Council sucks, the City Council sucks."

Authorities say the dancers violated a city ordinance which bars contact between entertainers and patrons. Lt. Greg Stevens of the Lubbock Police said the dancers were simulating sexual positions with audience members.

Jake's Sports Bar owner, Scott Stephenson, said his establishment did everything as planned to abide by the city ordinance.

"Comparatively, it's a classy production," said Greg Jackson, Jake's Sports Cafe booking agent, adding that Chippendale dancers do not take off all their clothes.

Stephenson said he feels the police were there to shut them down.

Police says they intend to get an arrest warrant for Stephenson.

~~~~~~~~

Pelvic action thrusts review into scrutiny
BY Beth Aaron, Lubbock Avalanche-Journal

Blowing on a woman's neck and thrusting a pelvis led to 11 arrests last weekend after police shut down a male review at Jake's Sports Cafe, said the bar's owner.

The dancers, their manager, a production manager and a manager of Jake's Sports Cafe were arrested during the first of three performances scheduled for Feb. 16.

Lubbock Police Lt. Greg Stevens declined to elaborate on what "simulation of a sexual act" caused police to shut down the dance performance, but said "they engaged in behavior that falls under the city code for sexually oriented businesses."

Scott Stephenson, one of Jake's owners, said one of the dancers blew on a woman's neck and thrusted his pelvis toward her.

"It's a provocative move, I agree," Stephenson said, "but it's not illegal."

Police intend to present their case to the district attorney's office, which was closed Monday for President's Day. The dancers and managers are accused of violating a state law that requires a permit for performing sexually oriented material, Police Chief Claude Jones said.

The Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission will review police records about the incident once they become available, Capt. Dan Cullers said.

If Jake's violated a city code, TABC can take administrative action against the establishment. Depending on the severity of the violation, Jake's could be issued a warning or up to 60 days suspension.

Michael Caprio, the Chippendales' spokesman, said this is the first time in 30 years any member of the male dance troupe has been arrested.

He said the company is considering filing a lawsuit against the city of Lubbock.

"At this point in time, no decision has been made, but we are evaluating the situation," Caprio said. "To have this happen is sort of confusing for all of us because we thought we were doing everything that we needed to do to our knowledge."

Stephenson also said the bar's owners are considering taking legal action against the city.

"We have to look at our options and what's right to do to take care of everyone," he said. "We were poised to have one of our best days ever, and they closed us down at seven. We have a lot of people that couldn't make their rent."

Still, Stephenson said he would rather work with the city to find a solution to his problem than end up in court.

Stephenson said patrons may start receiving refunds for Chippendales tickets on Wednesday. The bar sold more than $20,000 worth of tickets for three sold-out shows on Friday.

~~~~~~~~

I would like to draw your attention to something in the article above ... this is the first time in thirty years that a Chippendales dancer was arrested ... anywhere! Obviously Chippendales is making their first appearance in Lubbock, TX. Never mind the fact that I used to work in a BYOB tittie-bar in Lubbock years ago ... one where from time to time the women violated the law and got completely nude ... but the city didn't really care. In Lubbock, they turn the other way when it comes to women.

Jeez ... do you now realize why I have such a desire to move to Vegas? Look at where I grew up!

Thinly Veiled Messages

I honestly try not to be too much of a complainer. But as I’ve mentioned in this blog before, one of the real pains of working with a certain type of person is that you develop close and important relationships that come to an end simply because the relationship, regardless of how powerful it appeared to be, was only based on the work or that brief period of time. Next thing you know, you’re dropped like a hot potato and these folks move on to something else. (Notice I didn’t say “bigger and better?”)

I’ve never agreed with this mentality although, in all honesty, I’m probably just as guilty of it. I’m no better than anybody else. But it is frustrating in so far as you start to realize that your circle of friends is primarily based on what project you’re currently working on. As somebody who works on few projects because I spend time developing my own (and therefore go through fairly solitary periods of time), I find myself not necessarily lonely, but perhaps jealous of others who constantly have a large group of people vying for their attentions.

Remember high school? Everybody … and I do mean everybody … had their own little clique or niche that they fell into. Some people carry those friendships through the rest of their lives. That just wasn’t my style. Not that I didn’t care for those folks … just that our lives were going in vastly different directions.

Having spent a little time thinking about people who I genuinely care about but don’t really have contact with, I decided that I would write little thoughts and messages to them. Since many have certainly expressed disinterest in hearing from me, I figured I would just post them here to be read (and wondered about) by everybody. I have thinly (and I do mean thinly) disguised names to protect the innocent, the guilty and the few pains-in-the-ass.

A lot of these messages are a bit indignant … I apologize for that, but I’m just in an indignant mood today:

To Mattress Store Partner: I hope your decisions, which I completely respect and appreciate although I simply cannot agree with, have made you confident about your future. But could it ever be as intense and passionate as you imagined it would be? Have you read the Catholicism yet? You deserve respect and attention … I hope you’re getting it … but you know as well as I do that the flash and spark in your eyes isn’t what it could be.

To Deck The Halls: I still love ya, babe. You’re easily one of the two or three coolest people I’ve ever met (and I’ve met Willie Nelson, Buddhist monks, Derek Jacobi and David Lee Roth). You just got it wrong, that’s all.

To Dramatica: Wow … you sure know how to make a guy feel important, huh? It’s a shame that honesty wasn’t your strong suit. Caught me off guard ... what with you meaning the world to me and all ... it should've been amazing. I just never knew what was happening the other half of the time, huh?

To The Original Three: Guys, you’re missing out on something big. In life you can choose to either be a part of something great or to get lazy and watch greatness pass you by. Trust me, I’ve done the latter … it’s time to focus on the former. While you guys are off in the back laughin’ and jokin’, my ass is out front just a-cookin’ and a-smokin’!

To The Big O #1: You know, I never minded that other people thought you were bat-shit crazy. Didn’t even mind the fact that you are the epitome of a drama queen (I have a long and lovely history with drama queens). What surprised me was how self-centered you are … how’s that working out for you? Turn your back on anybody else recently? Give ‘em hell at the library.

To The Big O #2: And people bitch about Big O #1 being a drama queen.

To Caliban: Do you spread lies about everybody or is it just me? Makes me think that beyond being incompetent, you’re just intimidated …

To The Token: … and your ass had better be intimidated. You never were and never will be in my league, so clam the hell up.

To Chiki: One of these days you’ll get out of the habit of sabotaging your own life … just don’t expect anybody to still be around to congratulate you.

To The Electric Company: Thanks for blowing me off. To this day I don’t know why my hopes were so high.

To Bacchus: Speaking of blowing people off … did I become a leper or something? Or are you just not allowed to hang with folks with strong personalities? And since when did I develop such a strong personality?

Now let the debate begin … “Who is he talking about here? Is that me? That son-of-a …” … and if a message wasn’t directed towards you, it probably means that you are actively a part of my life and for that I offer my most sincere thanks. Those few … “those happy few” … are greatly cherished.

Sometimes I Hate My Neighborhood

Sometimes I hate where I live -- no real selection when it comes to stores, the bus that used to be less than a block away is now six blocks away, English is a foreign language, etc ... and then this morning there was this ....

Water Valve Break Prompts N.J. Evacuations
Boil Water Advisory Issued For Hudson County

(CBS/AP) WEST NEW YORK, N.J. Emergency crews used rafts to evacuate some people whose basements flooded because of a broken water valve Friday. And the break later prompted officials to issue a boil water advisory for portions of Hudson County.

It appeared the eight-inch valve broke beneath Bergenline Avenue and 51st Street around 5:00 a.m, United Water spokesman Rich Henning said. The valve was connected to a 24-inch main and water poured onto the street and down a hill.

Customers in West New York, Guttenberg and parts of Union City might have no water, low water pressure or discolored water, Henning said. Residents in those areas were advised to boil their water for at least one minute before drinking or other uses.

Specifically, the boil water advisory was in effect for customers residing from 61st Street in West New York south to the Jersey City border and from the Boulevard east to Kennedy Boulevard.

Crews were still working to repair the valve at midday Friday.

An Early Read on Super Bowl Sunday

So last night a few folks came over and we did a first read of the current draft of my latest play The Broken Jump. I am happy to report that, overall, I am quite happy with it. Sure, it needs some ham fat trimmed off here and there and there are a few places where the dialogue gets pretty clunky … but overall I thought that it read well. I’ll be doing the first round of re-writes this week before submitting the show to the Fringe Festival and the Midtown International Theatre Festival for production later this year. If not accepted to either (which is likely in this theatrically political environment) then we’ll simply produce the show for a nice long run later in the year.

Much thanks to Mel, Tony, Jeremy, Jess and Rebecca for swinging by and reading the show with me before enjoying the Super Bowl. In unrelated news, I have lots of leftover chow (yet no beer) to keep me eating unhealthily for the next couple of weeks.

Looks like The Talented Talent Brothers are inching closer to our ’07 stage return … and this time in a vehicle vastly different from anything we’ve done before.

It’s Too Damn Cold

Yeah, I know … nobody reads a blog to get an update on the weather. It’s like mindless small-talk being posted on the Internet. But it’s too damn cold to think of much of anything else. This is being written mid-day with a wind chill in NYC of two below. Is it any wonder that I’m getting tired of New York and am seriously considering a move to Vegas? According to weather.com it is currently a brisk 62 degrees in Sin City.

If it is as cold tomorrow morning as it was today – then you can bet dollars to doughnuts that I’ll be working from home … my pale desert skin just can’t adapt to a real arctic blast.

Random Things I’ve Noticed This Week

1) Snickers Ice Cream sandwiches are awesome – even in the dead of winter.

2) People, particularly people in Boston, who think LED advertising with Aqua Teen Hunger Force's mooninite Ignignokt flipping the bird are actually bombs are pure and unadulterated idiots. The district attorney in Boston is the chief idiot, however. Figures … Boston politician … can’t be too damn bright.

3) The Super Bowl commercials this year left a lot to be desired. Prince’s half-time show, tho, was pretty hot.

4) Spiderman 3, Fantastic Four 2 and Ghost Rider all come out within the next few months – Marvel’s gotta be excited ‘cause I know the superhero geek inside of me damn sure is.

5) I’m headed back to San Francisco in March and I couldn’t be more excited. Three years ago I was in SF and it was a great time.